#1
He sat there fat and wealthy
A man with everything he ever needs
Something far away in his past haunts him
Something sitting in the weeds

A crow lays to rest on the fence post
The black bird simply sits there and stares
Peering into the man’s heart and soul
Unlocking all his affairs

The man stares back scared of its stare
He sits on his luxurious couch filled with terror
He watches the crow’s confidence and swagger
It simply sits there, knowing all the man’s errors

The man’s heart beats heavily
The crow watches him suffer
The man gets up to break the stare
He tries to believe he is tougher

He walks to the next room
Relief is in his eyes
Suddenly he jumps
And his relief dies

The crow has called
For the soul of the man
The devil has arrived
To end his lifespan
Last edited by 21wickwing at Oct 5, 2009,
#2
I like this. I think you did a great job. My only complaint is that the whole thing started out weak, especially in comparison to the rest. But even if you were to change nothing in it, I would say that I like it and it's good.

I know praise isn't the best critique to use, but that's pretty much all I have towards this.
#3
Quote by The Elf Kicker
I know praise isn't the best critique to use, but that's pretty much all I have towards this.

I know most of the time I am a harsh critique but your poems are so hard to find fault. I seems like everything comes out naturally.

After the second stanza, I can see where you might have gotten your inspriation. Edgar Poe wrote a short story about a crow coming in through a man's window and sit's above his door and says 'Nevermore!' This has the same meaning, style, and overall message to the story. I personally only liked Poe's poem, "Nevermore," because of the story alone, I never really liked Poe's writing style; But you have taken the story and wrote it in a style that I think is much better than his. I think this could become a good song as well as poem.

He walks to the next room
Relief is in his eyes
Suddenly he jumps
And his relief dies


This stanza doesn't really make any sense to me. You could even just take it out and you would leave any real gap in the story. But it could have a good meaning to you to keep, it doesn't really need to be taken out I just thought it was a confusing stanza that you really don't need; so because it doesn't really make a difference whether you take it out or not it is all up to you.

Again you have writen a very good poem, with an excelent story, writen in a very universal style that anyone can like. So Keep on Writing
Comments or Suggestions
Omit or Change
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I am the 24 Wild Rovers
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#4
This didn't really do it for me. A lot of the rhyming felt forced, and the use of a crow as a device isn't particularly groundbreaking. Still though, for a concept that's been done before, you did this pretty well.
#5
Quote by 24WildRovers
I know most of the time I am a harsh critique but your poems are so hard to find fault. I seems like everything comes out naturally.

After the second stanza, I can see where you might have gotten your inspriation. Edgar Poe wrote a short story about a crow coming in through a man's window and sit's above his door and says 'Nevermore!' This has the same meaning, style, and overall message to the story. I personally only liked Poe's poem, "Nevermore," because of the story alone, I never really liked Poe's writing style; But you have taken the story and wrote it in a style that I think is much better than his. I think this could become a good song as well as poem.

He walks to the next room
Relief is in his eyes
Suddenly he jumps
And his relief dies


This stanza doesn't really make any sense to me. You could even just take it out and you would leave any real gap in the story. But it could have a good meaning to you to keep, it doesn't really need to be taken out I just thought it was a confusing stanza that you really don't need; so because it doesn't really make a difference whether you take it out or not it is all up to you.

Again you have writen a very good poem, with an excelent story, writen in a very universal style that anyone can like. So Keep on Writing



Yeah you're right...Edgar Allen Poe's "The Raven" was what I had in mind while writing this...the whole black bird idea. I wanted to make something my own with the classic black bird symbol and so I made this.

That stanza connects to the next one...what is implied is the crow called when his relief died.
#6
"The Raven" is a beautiful beautiful poem. Poe's writing style in that piece is haunting, invasive, and relatable. It also shaped much of what you classify great modern poetry as.

no relation.
#7
Quote by 21wickwing
Yeah you're right...Edgar Allen Poe's "The Raven" was what I had in mind while writing this...the whole black bird idea. I wanted to make something my own with the classic black bird symbol and so I made this.

That stanza connects to the next one...what is implied is the crow called when his relief died.

Well with that said I think you should keep it then Keep on Writing
Comments or Suggestions
Omit or Change
Suggested Changes


I am the 24 Wild Rovers
If You Wish to Give C4C Click on the Smlileys
: