#1
wrote this while i was banned. please, comment and critique (c4c).


A Pitiful Colored Disguise

A once empty room fills with vivid colors
Laying out a path of various complexions
She abruptly stops to visualize her trail

Knowing that her trace has been left uncovered
She begins to sweep records of her presence

Throughout her screening
She hears herself whispering
But she carries on
Confident in her sanity

An evident presence builds inside her mind
The signs are there, but she chooses to ignore

Her eyes seem content
But inside, she's collapsing

She falls down to the colorless floor
Wishing she had understood the warnings
She sheds her last emotion
And blends into saturation
"take your form
be my fear, be my hope
be the indication
if i'm right or wrong

take your most dreadful form
and let it be known"
he provided assurance
#2
I had mixed feelings on this one. After one read, I didn't really like it at all because the wording seemed a little awkward/rough at times (especially the first stanza) and I didn't really understand it or feel drawn into it. However, after reading it two more times, I was able to at least partially understand it and thus find some enjoyment in it.

I guess my main complaint on this one is that it was too vague for me. I was left wondering what she was being warned about, why she was covering her tracks. I liked the idea of somebody leaving colors in their wake, but I personally wish that there was more to help me understand the "why" of it. But perhaps you were aiming for a bit more mystery and I just don't know. The only two suggestions I have are to work on smoothing out the wording some, perhaps by cutting out some adverbs (too many can make things seem wordy I think) and to consider expanding on her story, but it's your call on both accounts.
C4C on "Our Constellation Over Nowhere" in my sig?