#1
dude i just wrote my first complete song in like....years full guitar passages and everything, im not in a band i just play for myself but ill be recording this i think soon. tell me what you think, even if its bad.


Breaking


I swear I can play the guitar
And I can tell you, it wont get you far
except maybe on the corner of the street
tryin to make a buck and losin your beat

Chorus

Sometimes i think i have to much
Other times, i cant ever get enough
And most of the time im just taggin along
wonderin why everyones singin my song

Verse

You may have noticed, Im getting kinda lean
Cause I think we can live off of gasoline
and each day gets worse and worse
but each day less and less it hurts

Chorus

Sometimes i think i have too much
other times, i cant ever get enough
and most of the time im just taggin along
wonder why everyones singin my song

Extended Verse

And one day, the wall will fall down
and ill be the only asshole leavin town
shifin my weight, keepin in place
just tryin to get past the first break

ive seen it once, ive seen it before
and sometimes its on the belly of a *****
but no matter what, I gotta keep it straight
And just keep on swimming past the first break
I tried to make a signature listing all my gear, but I couldn't for 2 reasons.

1. I couldn't remember all my gear
2. My signature was too long for UG to process.
#2
the rhyming seems very forced and some of it doesn't even fit into the scheme (much and enough don't really rhyme, though I can't think of something that does). It sounds pretty much generic pop-punk, but it isn't TOO bad, by that I mean even just the chorus has that obvious sort of deal that just about everybody can relate to, but the whole piece seems to be lacking any original meat. This would be the single on the album that all the "true fans"* like the least (whatever that means).

Either that, or I think it makes a great country song. My second read through I read it in voice with twang (and twangy guitar in the background). I'm not sure of this opinion though.

So basically, I don't think it is a bad song, but it is really simple, not a whole lot is going on, little fragments that people understand, but no big thing to elaborate on.
Lord Gold feeds from your orifices and he wants to see you sweat.
Lord Gold probes you publicly and makes your pussy wet.
Now say his name.....
#3
yeah that was the idea, i really wanted it to be a vague reference so people can kind of fill in the emotions or whatever themselves, and the rhyme scheme is just chillin, i figured hey, rappers twist words up and make them rhyme and it is kind of a blues/pop punk riff with twangy strat playing lead over fuzz in A with a heavy blues based chorus in E" ive never been a lyricist or singer, im just a blues guitar man really
I tried to make a signature listing all my gear, but I couldn't for 2 reasons.

1. I couldn't remember all my gear
2. My signature was too long for UG to process.
#4
Yep, that sounds like it would work pretty well.
Some of the rhymes do seem forced, but mostly it's pretty good. Maybe reconsider the second half of the third verse. Nice job overall, I'd like to see how this turns out.

Crit mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1212437
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FrustratedRocka you are a legend

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The man clearly knows his shit.

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one of the best, educated and logical posts I've ever seen on UG in the Pit. Well done good sir.