#1
Spend all day getting ready:
fake ID, small black dress,
flash them to the guy at the door.
Tonight is gonna be great.

You thought it begins on Thursday,
well girl, Wednesday starts the weekend.

Always smoke, but never inhale.
Always drink, and later vomit.
So hardcore, party on the weekdays.
Tonight is gonna be great.

You thought it begins on Thursday,
well girl, Wednesday starts the weekend.

Where are we going later?
15th and Indianola,
wearing a "fuck me, I'm a freshman" dress;
come on and get me, fraternity guys.

"Hey brah, I bet she's tight;
low cut shirt and perky tits,
high cut skirt and a big ass."
"Is it rape if she's asking for it..?"

THIS IS AN ABOMINATION.

To the wonderment of nature you bore your Creator,
but tonight your regrets mature; you abhor your "Creator".

This is an abomination.
I'm never giving in.

"Christopher, please guide me home tonight.
Agnes, bare cross as you lay on that alter."

I'm never giving in.
Lord Gold feeds from your orifices and he wants to see you sweat.
Lord Gold probes you publicly and makes your pussy wet.
Now say his name.....
#2
Hey, this is just me promising I will crit this. I just didn't want you to think me a heartless bastard. It is my sixty second hour awake, and now I feel tired, so I'm going to sleep, hopefully. I shall do a full and proper crit tomorrow. The tourniquets have been taken out, but it's still not sitting right. Give it a week, and maybe it will fall in to place. Tomorrow, I promise.

Johan.
Gear:

Epiphone Sheraton 1962 50th Anniversary 212TV,

Ibanez TS-9 Tube Screamer,
Dunlop MXR Carbon Copy,
Vox V847 Wah-Wah,

Vox TB35C1.
#3
Okay. To provide you with an overall summary of my perception of the piece, I would have to say that, stylistically, it isn’t my cup of tea. Definitively, I am assuming that these are more so of a lyrical nature, rather than a poetical one.
I actually quite enjoy the first two verses, or rather, the first and third stanzas, to be more specific. Though quite simplistic, I guess the message that is conveyed and the image that is portrayed warrants such a simplistic approach.
The original chorus, or rather, the second and fourth stanzas are somewhat confusing. I don’t completely understand the metaphor that is implied. Unless, of course, you are simply implying that party time is coming a day early, in which case I find the metaphor somewhat juvenile.
The same concept applying to the “F*ck me, I’m a freshman dress.” It’s an obvious metaphor, and I find it somewhat juvenile.
The sixth stanza seems naïve, almost as if you’re trying to reach a shock value concept, but it’s not being applied correctly.
The same thing for the seventh stanza, I get the image of a band consisting of fourteen year olds, who just shout and play really loud, I’ve never like shock value in general, but it’s more difficult to begrudge when it’s not tastefully done.
I like the first line of the eighth stanza, but the second line shatters the potential of the first line. It’s too much, it’s too forced, it’s too thought.
I like the ninth stanza, I don’t really get it. But I like it none the less; it just sits very well poetically, kudos.
And the tenth stanza gets the same treatment. I like it. Again, I don’t quite get it, but I like it none the less. It is very nicely written, and although a bit too post-modern for my liking, I shall still take my hat off, kudos.
Finally, the last line, it’s nicely lingering, simplistic and a repetition of a part of the poem. I like it, it’s tasteful.
My apologies, I don’t like saying bad things about other’s works. But I guess you only progress when others point out your faults. Of course, I would like to say that you can feel as free as you like to not take my seriously, I’ve only written that one poem. So you can hardly call me a poet. Regardless though, I hope I helped.

Johan.
Gear:

Epiphone Sheraton 1962 50th Anniversary 212TV,

Ibanez TS-9 Tube Screamer,
Dunlop MXR Carbon Copy,
Vox V847 Wah-Wah,

Vox TB35C1.
#4
to comment and add context, I've written this to a friend and my distaste of her visiting that stretch of houses. Not about her, but the typical people I see. I guess the main part of your interpretation that makes me chuckle is that I haven't really offered any clue as to who is speaking. Most of the song would be from view point of one said girl, or a very personalized narrator, not me or some group of kids.

the dress is literally a dress that is.. revealing?

Quote by Smpl Dstrctns
Overall, well done

Explain the second to last stanza if you could I want to know the relevance

And if you have time can you critique my poem "Swine Flu"?

Thanks.

The "them" is meant to go both ways, it's a joke.. sort of. Must be something at my university, but that is what the underclassmen typically refer to as the start of the weekend. Read shirt and skirt. Two patron saints, of travelers and (rape) victims.

I will.
Lord Gold feeds from your orifices and he wants to see you sweat.
Lord Gold probes you publicly and makes your pussy wet.
Now say his name.....
Last edited by lordofthefood1 at Oct 16, 2009,
#5
Spend all day getting ready:
fake ID, small black dress,
flash them to the guy at the door.
Tonight is gonna be great.

I like the "fake ID" concept, it does well to give an impression of the type of person the character is.

However, whenever I read the third line, the plural "them" always makes me think that the character is flashing her breasts at the guy on the door (because the only two previous items are her fake ID (which I understand how she can "flash") and her dress (which I'm not too sure is what you want the character to be flashing)), which I'm assuming isn't what you're trying to say so I'd consider re-wording that slightly.


You thought it begins on Thursday,
well girl, Wednesday starts the weekend.

Unfortunately, this refrain doesn't have much of an effect on me because I've never heard of a saying about the weekend starting on a Thursday.


Always smoke, but never inhale.
Always drink, and later vomit.
So hardcore, party on the weekdays.
Tonight is gonna be great.

I like the kind of "action and consequence" used for the first two lines. It just seems like a nice way to get that across.

Also, the third line (to me) sounds kind of sarcastic and I like this idea that the narrator knows better than the irresponsible protagonist and implies that the character is "in the wrong" and that we should side with the narrator.


You thought it begins on Thursday,
well girl, Wednesday starts the weekend.

Where are we going later?
15th and Indianola,
wearing a "**** me, I'm a freshman" dress;
come on and get me, fraternity guys.

"Hey brah, I bet she's tight;
low cut shirt and perky tits,
high cut skirt and a big ass."
"Is it rape if she's asking for it..?"


This is where I started to get a little bit unsure of what direction the poem was heading. Personally, it made me feel uneasy and a bit disgusted and It thought it was going to end up pretty vulgar (fortunately, it didn't).

One thing I don't get though is how a skirt can be "low cut" and "high cut"?


THIS IS AN ABOMINATION.

Not too sure on this line. Nothing against "abomination", it's a good word - nice and effective. But "THIS IS AN ABOMINATION" makes it seem like you're relying on the capitalisation more than the language. I think if you found a stronger phrase and didn't capitalise it it would be more effective.

To the wonderment of nature you bore your Creator,
but tonight your regrets mature; you abhor your "Creator".

I absolutely LOVE this stanza. I seriously do. Especially the "bore" and "abhor" rhyme. It's brilliant. It really is. Sounds quite epic too, almost Biblical.


This is an abomination.
I'm never giving in.

"Christopher, please guide me home tonight.
Agnes, bare cross as you lay on that alter."

I like this stanza.. but I don't understand the reference Explain?

I'm never giving in.



Overall, well done

Explain the second to last stanza if you could I want to know the relevance

And if you have time can you critique my poem "Swine Flu"?

Thanks.