#1
Our lips met for one fleeting second.

And in that second lived more years than I had ever seen;
In that second stayed my past, the years and days
twisting and turning and getting lost - all to lead up to this
moment that hung, suspended like a melted snowflake
dripping down and disowning that singular, unique shape
for a pool of water - like any other pool.
The pool stretched out onwards into
the world of things to come, into
the world of impossible possibilities, into
a turgid realm of cracked dreams,
into lingering promises of more:
More to come, more to come.

In that second, I froze and thawed and felt the hair on the back of my neck snap up.
I became aware
Of my awkward standing position, of my neck heating up,
Of the stress and the strain and the pressure
pulling at the sides of my half-opened mouth
Of the heavy silence in my head as a deafeningly quiet siren
exploded in the background and pummeled everything else
with roaring blankets of unrelentingly silent white noise
Of my heart pounding a bass beat in my eardrums.
I felt nothing but the softness of her lips
As they pressed gently, then harder; and turning in to move -
but it was over.

She said, "Go, go, go".

And the seasons flickered back on behind a haze of water and the sudden flood of lights and people frightened me.

So I left.
#2
I enjoyed this a lot. The imagery was... tantalizing? I'm not quite sure how to describe it, but it was beautiful. The "eternity in a second" and "deafening white noise" thing has been seen before (but what hasn't?), but it was easy to overlook in the context of the whole piece. I just felt a little warm after reading this, despite the ending (which was great, although a little abrupt and not quite the ending I would expect after such a description of a kiss). I must say, I liked the second half better than the first, if anything because the first seemed somewhat detached when compared with the more personal feel of the second half. So, all that to say, I liked this a lot, and I don't think I would want much of anything changed.
C4C on Our Constellation Over Nowhere in my sig?
#3
Quote by theoneandonlyq
I enjoyed this a lot. The imagery was... tantalizing? I'm not quite sure how to describe it, but it was beautiful. The "eternity in a second" and "deafening white noise" thing has been seen before (but what hasn't?), but it was easy to overlook in the context of the whole piece. I just felt a little warm after reading this, despite the ending (which was great, although a little abrupt and not quite the ending I would expect after such a description of a kiss). I must say, I liked the second half better than the first, if anything because the first seemed somewhat detached when compared with the more personal feel of the second half. So, all that to say, I liked this a lot, and I don't think I would want much of anything changed.
C4C on Our Constellation Over Nowhere in my sig?


Thank you. Yes, I don't mind critiquing your piece. Be at it in a bit.
#4
I liked the idea of this, the imagery seems to hit you like a firework, which is great. the first line put me off a tad. i know it's about a second, but "fleeting" just seems a bit too cliched. freely disagree with me
overall i thought it was a lovely anatomy.
I know you think that I'm someone you can trust.
But I'm scared i'll get scared and i swear i'll try to nail you back up.



Female SouperHero
#5
Well done, sir. This is very confidently written, which carries the piece along to it's (quite surprising) conclusion. I wanted another adjective instead of "fleeting" in the beginning though. The third line of the first big stanza stumbles a bit. Also, the line about heart beating bass notes is a tad cliche. That's all I got to complain about really. There's a link in my sig if you feel like returning the favour sometime.
#7
Quote by Time Seller
Our lips met for one fleeting second.
Not a very original way to start this thing off. I was almost turned away from reading this from that first line. Even a different, more unique adjective then "fleeting" would work. There are a million ways you could begin with this exact situation.
And in that second lived more years than I had ever seen;
In that second stayed my past, the years and days The repeated sentence structure here annoyed me a bit. It seemed as if you were hiding behind a "proper" or "poetic" way of saying things. Of course, maybe you're not. Only you know that.
twisting and turning and getting lost - all to lead up to this
moment that hung, suspended like a melted snowflake
suspended from what? also, the first impression I had was "well, snowflakes don't hang." obviously, on a bit closer reading, I got what you were driving at. just my thoughts.
dripping down and disowning that singular, unique shape
for a pool of water - like any other pool.
this concept was interesting and the first thing in the poem that really drew me in. but the hyphen and everything after it "- just like any other pool" is unnecessary.
The pool stretched out onwards into
the world of things to come, into
the world of impossible possibilities, into
a turgid realm of cracked dreams,
this line made me wince somewhat. turgid? "cracked dreams"? maybe it's just my personal taste. but it seemed to say " the poet has no control over his words."
into lingering promises of more:
More to come, more to come.
The mood in this stanze kept shifting around and around. Is the kiss good? Is it precious, temporary, beautiful- a melted snowflake? or is it an illusion, a tempting evil? It was not hard to keep up with what you were saying, but hard to connect one concept with another in a meaningful way.
In that second, I froze and thawed and felt the hair on the back of my neck snap up.
I became aware didn't like this linebreak very much at all.
Of my awkward standing position, of my neck perhaps you shouldn't use neck again so close to the first usage heating up,
Of the stress and the strain and the pressure
don't need all these describers. cut it down to one, maybe, and make that one interesting.
pulling at the sides of my half-opened mouth
this was a good line. don't know really why, but it fit the situation, I feel.
Of the heavy silence in my head as a deafeningly quiet siren pfft. i've grown to really dislike when people use "poetic" paradoxes like this. there are ways to make it interesting without employing a deliberately difficult and un-thought-out simile like this.
exploded in the background and pummeled everything else
with roaring blankets of unrelentingly silent white noise Could get rid of silent here. same reason as above, plus you already used "quiet" so it's pretty repetitive.
Of my heart pounding a bass beat in my eardrums. a bass beat isn't white noise. again, get your imagery and language under control.
I felt nothing but the softness of her lips
I thought you were feeling pressure?
As they pressed gently, then harder; and turning in to move -
but it was over.

She said, "Go, go, go".

And the seasons flickered back on behind a haze of water and the sudden flood of lights and people frightened me.

So I left.


I thought the ending was good. Well crafted and original- but what did it have to do with the rest of the piece? I felt this was inconsistent in its mood, its aim, and its details. I repeat- get more control over what you want to say. Don't let the words run you. I do think you used water in its various forms quite effectively though, and I applaud you for that. And again, the ending was good. I think if you sat down and decided what this was really about, where it really is supposed to go, then cut out every unnecessary line and added only what you needed to, this could be quite good.

I wasn't trying to be harsh, please don't take it personally. I just find it easier to say what's on my mind without couching it in pretty language. Also, I haven't done a critique in a while and I was just chomping at the bit to give it everything I had . Please don't dig up something old of mine to return this, I don't want it to get locked or anything.

Thanks for posting, hope to see more now that I know to look for you .
#8
My heart's a vortex of chaos,
And I feel like every day
The storm will blow more harshly,
And send us on its way

The world's become a cesspool,
And you are all to blame
For the filth that now pervades our minds,
And torments with its games

It seems like only yesterday
We were so full of hope,
But now that armageddon has begun
There's only time to mope

And now that our world is now our hell
At the hands of clever men,
I cannot seem to help but wonder
Why all they did was feed us lies


An ode to the government destroying our world slowly but surely

EDIT: this wasn't meant as a reply, it was supposed to be an independent post XD of course i would do something stupid like that
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Last edited by wolfeman85 at Oct 8, 2009,