#1
I was told that
Venus would sparkle
with polka-dots
and milky scarves
Wrapping its slender body
in moonlight
when I was eight
and that night
I was so
disappointed
when The Big Dipper
was all my eyes Could catch;


[I wonder if
the Philippines’ witnessed
the murder of my excitement
in the Big Dipper’s handle]


And even
Six years later
I can still only ever see
An impressionistic portrait-
Sometimes peeking,
Sometimes gazing
Down on my little
Fish bowl of existence-
Unless someone
Points Venus out of
The pointillism
Last edited by hippieboy444 at Oct 11, 2009,
#2
I really liked this. Don't know why it didn't get any attention, but I felt like there was a lot behind the lines, and though some lines were too simplified and cut in a somewhat coarse manner, I think you still managed to end up with a pretty good piece.

I think you chopped up the first stanza too much, especially because there were so many lines between the beginning of a thought and its end, and the meaning got a little bit lost in the way, making me read some parts over and over again in order to get to the bottom of things. It also felt like you were cutting the ideas short, in a way, and I really wanted more out of some of the sentences.

Overall, it feels a little under developed to me, but considering most of the poems around here these days can barely hold my interest for more than ten seconds, I think you have a very interesting point of view here and that you struck a good note.

I'm extremely busy these days, but if you post something else, please PM me. I would love to see more after this.

P.S.
Please don't do the capital letter in the beginning of every line. I used to do it too back in the day, but where it may work for songs, it's very distracting in poetry. I literally abhor it.

Thanks for this, it was a breath of fresh words.
This is not a pipe
#3
When only
The Big Dipper
Was all my eyes
Could catch;

This part tripped me up. Using "only" and "was all" is redundant. Take out the "only" and it won't hurt the flow, plus it'll make more sense.

Otherwise I thought this was pretty neat. An interesting idea.

Keep posting.
#4
loved this. the last stanza is what really got me. the last couple lines were perfect.
#5
You get comments from those three, you take on everything they say. There was something particularly special about this piece. Well done.
#8
I don't think there really was that much special about this piece. I mean, it was pretty...

um, last stanza was great and the rest of it just kind of stumbled along. I can see why others felt so strongly but it struck me as being very normal in parts. good poetry, and probably deserving of WOTW but I'm not sure...
#12
I accept: hippieboy444 chopped up the first stanza too much, especially because there were so many lines between the beginning of a thought and its end, and the meaning got a little bit lost in the way.