#1
Well I've been at the writing game and the music industry for a while. Here's my newest song.

She says, your such a nice guy
With a soft heart that only love could buy
You gotta great smile and you make me laugh
It might be just me, but it feels like we were meant to be

He says, your such a sweet girl
With a kind heart, you could change this world
You got soft eyes, and you make me smile
And it might be just me, but it feels like we were meant to be

Love is what he’s looking for
But love is what she’s running from

She says, I can’t believe this
It’s you and It’s me, and we just shared our first kiss
After just one night, I wanna stay
Until the sun brings us another day

He says, I must be dreaming
Cause, nowhere in this world would you be in, my arms sleeping
After just one kiss, I realize you are
Someone I could spend the rest of my life with

Love is what he’s feeling now
But love is only what she’s saying now

One day she says, I’m just too young
I’m just too young, to be in love
And by the way, I’ve been sneaking away, and seeing someone else
There’s nothing that you did, to make me choose this sin, I’m just too young

What can I say, I guess you gotta pray, you gotta get closer to god
I’ll let you go, but I gotta know, did you ever love me…
#3
This I find as great-- Maybe b/c Basically this has just happened to me in the past two weeks-- Do you mind if I copy these? Maybe aadd onto them or something? give them chords?-- But anyways, everything will work out, are you giong through a similar situation?
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#4
i felt like you wrote that about me, its that relatable. i think its great. cheers
"yeah, well, you know...


that's just like... your opinion man."


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#5
Thanks guys. Sorry to hear you are going through the same thing, life blows lol. Dimefromhell12, I wrote this to a chord progression already, and I work for a record label so I'll probably be selling it to one of our artists.
#6
Quote by DreamCatchMe


One day she says, I’m just too young
I’m just too young, to be in love
And by the way, I’ve been sneaking away, and seeing someone else
There’s nothing that you did, to make me choose this sin, I’m just too young

What can I say, I guess you gotta pray, you gotta get closer to god
I’ll let you go, but I gotta know, did you ever love me…


i think the whole thing is really well written and I wouldn't change a thing about except for maybe the bit at the end. "to make me choose this sin" doesn't really flow well in my opinion, maybe re-word it differently?

also I think you should drop "you gotta get closer to god" because it sorta changes the mood slightly. you're talkin about your love, then heartbreak...now you gotta get closer to god? lol maybe it's just me, i'm not a religious guy.
#7
I see your point here. The reference to sin and god is because she is the pastors daughter, and actually strengthened my relationship with god while we were together. So it was kind of like trying to pay back the favor that she did for me. I guess if someone isn't religious, it might be hard to be satisfied with the ending. I'll try and work on something neutral.
#8
Quote by DreamCatchMe
Well I've been at the writing game and the music industry for a while. Here's my newest song.

She says, your such a nice guy
With a soft heart that only love could buy
You gotta great smile and you make me laugh
It might be just me, but it feels like we were meant to be
Nothing really interesting here, in my opinion.

He says, your such a sweet girl
With a kind heart, you could change this world
You got soft eyes, and you make me smile
And it might be just me, but it feels like we were meant to be
I like the way this works with the first stanza.

Love is what he’s looking for
But love is what she’s running from
So-so.

She says, I can’t believe this
It’s you and It’s me, and we just shared our first kiss
After just one night, I wanna stay
Until the sun brings us another day
Still nothing interesting; sorry, but this just hasn't done much for me.

He says, I must be dreaming
Cause, nowhere in this world would you be in, my arms sleeping
After just one kiss, I realize you are
Someone I could spend the rest of my life with
I like this part, mainly the first two lines.

Love is what he’s feeling now
But love is only what she’s saying now
Not bad.

One day she says, I’m just too young
I’m just too young, to be in love
And by the way, I’ve been sneaking away, and seeing someone else
There’s nothing that you did, to make me choose this sin, I’m just too young
This part is okay.

What can I say, I guess you gotta pray, you gotta get closer to god
I’ll let you go, but I gotta know, did you ever love me…
This doesn't really feel like a part of the piece for me
Overall, it just didn't do anything for me, but that might just be me; it still seems well-written.
#9
this is a great song, its one of them songs, i can picture this on a acoustic being played nice and slowly fantastic
#10
seems like a good song,

i just dont like the last bit, everything else i can see being a great song,
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#11
Thanks for the feedback. Donvalley, it is played nice and slow with the acoustic has some open harmonizing chords too. I'm gonna try and make a vid of it this weekend and I'll post the link.
#12
Overall i was impressed by this. Its hard to make things stand out when you right about unrequited love and i thought this was a good attempt.

"What can I say, I guess you gotta pray, you gotta get closer to god
I’ll let you go, but I gotta know, did you ever love me…"

These two lines were sub-par. I wouldn't use "did you ever love me" as it's very cliche. Maybe try "why can't you let yourself love me". Basically, the songs needs a strong ending, and that wasn't it.

Apart from that, the song worked well, and i liked it.
#13
Quote by DreamCatchMe
Thanks for the feedback. Donvalley, it is played nice and slow with the acoustic has some open harmonizing chords too. I'm gonna try and make a vid of it this weekend and I'll post the link.


can't wait mate