hi this is my first song and i was wondering if anyone had any suggestions

baby every time i see you
my heart beats
im always thinking of you
day and night
i dont know
if you feel the same
but baby, i love you
extremely weak and generic, if you are going to captivate anyone you are going to have to use vocabulary above the level of a 2nd grader.

it was more of a statement than a poem, didn't really have a flow. As a suggestion, try reading around here, read in general, develop your vocabulary and explore different types of writing. What ive said is harsh but its something beginning writers need to realize, and a lot of veterans still fail to realize.
this one is for you.
Like that hasnt been done a million times before

but its decent for a start
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This is not good even for a start. I am sorry but I read this and just thought that's it? Look I understand this is your first one but I just read someone else's who posted his first one. That one was good for a first song...It was original and creative but he made the flaw of many starting lyricists by forcing his lyrics, it wasnt smooth. This however...what is this? Is this even a song? Write something that is more than one verse, give it a flow you know look at syllables in each line and rhyme schemes, use better words and better vocabulary, and for pete sakes get a little creative.
Yeah, I gotta say man, that wasn't good. It couldn't even pass as filler in most songs. It's really great that you're starting to write, but you HAVE to reach further than that.
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