#1
melting pot stars
over the zealous terrain,
tumble weed sweet dreams
burning across every page,
angelic night sky
looks like spilt champagne,
echo location of memories
as they slowly become vague.

this isn't the way
this isn't my name,
Morpheus you paint the picture
but aren't apologetic to the game.

wide awake its dawn and chirping in the trees
are the baby birds in the still damp leaves
my night torn but beautiful,
like a blanket of snow that stings to the touch
a bed of needles, masked by the swirling white dust.

this isn't the way
this isn't my name,
Morpheus has the bullets
but no points to establish a frame

you throw me a spectrum of validity
where each stop motion stops playing just short of a message
and i don't know what to take from it any more
from the night sky that melts the snow
uncovers grass that is overgrown.

Morpheus, you left me pleading,
why isn't the grass dead?
this one is for you.
#3
The last lines in both "Morpheus" stanzas(if you know what I mean by those) are too wordy and don't fit at all. I stumbled over both of them. Other than that, this is a solid piece. However, I'm going to have to disagree and say I like your WotW piece much better than this.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#4
understandable, I can definitely see what you are saying with the second Morpheus stanza. I'll see if i can maybe mess with line breaks/punctuation to see if it can help. It's suppose to be/hopefully going to be a song, so maybe its one of those lines that sound better off the paper.
this one is for you.
#6
I can't say I enjoyed this on the page. I can see where it would make a hell of a song; its got rhythm and rhyme and style. I just felt the content never got into a groove. Seems like we were running headlong down a path, but never looked up to establish where the path was going or why we are running down it with you. That could be your intention to just throw us into a race against your ideals... but it seemed brash in this case... like if that was your intention you didn't take advantage of the advantage it gives you as the author.

That lack of definition to the piece made it falter for me. I didn't find much to latch onto or think about... honestly, it felt like an "exercise" piece. Where you just wanted to write something to write something, and didn't have a particular place or point you were working toward. That vagueness and lack of definition really distinguished it from your "awesome" pieces where I find myself in your writing.

for getting to mine.