#1
ragged old witch. crooked nose in between two piercing eyes.
a sailor's mouth cursing out obscurities.
the arch backed, stubborn minded animal that crawls on all fours,
only to then regain it's composure.
a look right and left to see if anyone had noticed the backlash.
thick rimmed glasses begin to take form again.
what has done this?
a stake through the heart?
water?
garlic?
what knows how to turn a witch back to it's old self,
the person that would spread joy and make others happy?
a mossy face slowly tranisitions back into a pale figure
with crimson blush spread across it's cheek.
lips pout and take on their original plumpness
and retain their off-pink shade.
a quick stare and twitch of the nose reminds me
there's still something in there.
unknown.

Sometimes, I forget I still love you my dear.
#2
This piece being one of the first ive read through since ive been back to S&L impressed me. You took a childish topic, used childish images and paralleled them with something a lot deeper and darker. It was beautifully executed, had amazing flow, and the word choices were spot-on.

what has done this?
a stake through the heart?
water?
garlic?


personally i would try to restructure/reword this chunk. up until there it had a very calming flow that really could keep someone reading. Maybe it's all in the punctuation or line breaks, but I think this piece could be ace if you just changed it slightly.

and thank you for your comment on my piece.

quickedit:
almost forgot, the last line. stunning.
this one is for you.
Last edited by Ebshabutiee at Oct 6, 2009,
#3
I really liked it. Really accurate description of marriage after a few years (not that i would know lol). But there was one part that i thought could be a bit different:
a sailor's mouth cursing out obscurities.
Does this mean anything that was even slightly different that you suggested was shot down by her? because thats what I thought and thats cool, but i think "growling (or "grumbling" or something to that effect) out obscenities" would make more sense. thanks for the crit on mine!

Edit: I agree with the above user too. Especially with the last line part. It was a very good end!
Quote by turd_ferguson
[0:17] If my parents knew I was part of a group who celebrated christmas by drinking cough syrup they would probably cry

WEATHERER, the greatest band ever.
Last edited by benx3000 at Oct 6, 2009,
#4
This is the first poem I've read since my return to the S & L Forum. I think it's lovely. I agree totally with Ebshabutiee, that one part just takes the shine from an otherwise very shiny poem. For me, it slows the poem down, far too much. Almost like a row of sleeping policemen. And because of that the danger lies in a waning interest over the second half. Which is, for me, the real outstanding part. A few fantastic metaphors within a belting metaphor itself. The last line brings the whole thing together. It's simplicty is adorable. Change those four lines, or at least the two one word lines. Unless, it was intentional, but for me, I just doesn't sit well.

Johan.
Gear:

Epiphone Sheraton 1962 50th Anniversary 212TV,

Ibanez TS-9 Tube Screamer,
Dunlop MXR Carbon Copy,
Vox V847 Wah-Wah,

Vox TB35C1.
#5
I think the images were just a bit too juvenile. I can see what above users were saying but in the end even the well-executed wordings didn't make up for the cliche visualizations. Hoever, I do agree that the last line had a powerful effect.

a quick stare and twitch of the nose reminds me
there's still something in there.
unknown.


particularly liked these lines
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#6
I agree with vintage to a point. I got this weird feeling reading it, like the words and all felt sophisticated but they seemed to be illustrating a much simpler picture. It's like you've "prettied" it up to sound poetic, or at least, it doesn't feel genuine in this presentation. I really like ideas behind it, and it does still have some kick, but I wasn't fully satisfied.
#7
I'm leaning towards Darcy's point here. You've obviously got some skill, there's no doubt about that, but it just feels like you're overdoing a simple idea. There might be more power behind this piece if you just strip it back to a rawer level. I'm sorry I can't offer much else, I hope you understand what I'm trying to get at.
#8
I really enjoyed this, and got caught up in the description which doesnt happen often. i have to agree about the questions, they ruin the flow and seem to stacked. you could cut a few out. the end made me laugh out loud though, this is a really strong peice in my mind, well done
I know you think that I'm someone you can trust.
But I'm scared i'll get scared and i swear i'll try to nail you back up.



Female SouperHero