#1
I kinda got inspired to write this while listening to number twelve like you, and while I had them in mind while writing this, it wasnt meant to be a song, just wrote it off the top of my head. Also, i wasnt quite sure how to end this, so thats what Im most looking for with criticism. Ok, Rambling done. Oh yeah, and C4C.

Ostrich
Bury your head in the sand
Anything that hurts you is ignored
But its still there
All feelings you start to lose
The only emotion is amused
I’m beginning to feel so used
I’m the wall that hides you from the abused
Start the lecture with a quote
Never again I’ll be so verbose
Scolded for what’s right
Never I’ll care for another human life
Never again I’ll be a martyr
Never again will I mourn
The loss of valuable
Beloved
Cherished
Human
Life
Because of you
Because you bury your head in the sand
Anything that hurts you is ignored
But its still there
And you don't even care
Quote by turd_ferguson
[0:17] If my parents knew I was part of a group who celebrated christmas by drinking cough syrup they would probably cry

WEATHERER, the greatest band ever.
Last edited by benx3000 at Oct 6, 2009,
#2
I enjoyed it but there was one section that I found extremely week

"Anything that hurts you is ignored
But its still there
All feelings you start to lose
The only emotion is amused
I’m beginning to feel so used
I’m the wall that hides you from the abused"

That's a good 1/4 of the piece that isn't very good. It's not the best idea to rhyme every line. Some parts just seemed awkward as well.

C4C? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1211898
Last edited by Mutmoo at Oct 6, 2009,
#3
I have to say, these lyrics are good, but you could definitely improve a lot of little things to make it flow better. Then again, I'm not trying to write your song for you, so I think it might be a good idea to set it to music, sing it, and then make your changes. There's definitely potential here.

C4C?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1212437
Quote by dr_shred
FrustratedRocka you are a legend

Quote by littlephil

The man clearly knows his shit.

Quote by Banjocal


one of the best, educated and logical posts I've ever seen on UG in the Pit. Well done good sir.
#4
I read this and yawned. It's not terrible but I just didn't enjoy it.
I agree with mutmoo about the part he quoted, it's not very good.
Overall it's just too awkwardly worded and formatted.
However, you show a lot of potential. Keep writing.
PM me if you ever post something else, and thanks for the comment on my piece. I took your suggestion.
I want Super Saiyan abilities