#1
too overwhelmed to think of words to describe
the way sap feels on fingers after picking pinecones
off of red and yellow dusted fields of leaves
sun pouring in
wind rushing
everything alive.

still cars come through and crosswalks are necessary and
there's a boy with blue eyes waiting for words to describe
how frustrating it can be to have competition with a tree -
he'll never be as tall, as grand, as breathtaking,
as colorful, as satisfying to touch.
i cant pick off his bark and find life underneath
break off a branch and not have him worry
come back years later and find him rooted
unharmed, untouched, stronger and more
a part of himself and the world than ever before.
'you're my world,' but no...
the world is so much more.

baby, you can't compete.
you'll have to learn to climb with me.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#2
In my opinion, this was as brilliant and beautiful a piece as you have ever written.

i cant pick off his bark and find life underneath
break off a branch and not have him worry
come back years later and find him rooted
unharmed, untouched, stronger and more
a part of himself and the world than ever before.

these lines definitely struck a chord with me. and of course the ending was very powerful. i'll stop gushing now but just know that this was awesome. at least for me it was. great job!
here, My Dear, here it is
#3
I agree completely with Subway. This was an amazing, tight and powerful piece of writing.
#5
Quote by vintage x metal
too overwhelmed to think of words to describe
the way sap feels on fingers after picking pinecones
off of red and yellow dusted fields of leaves
sun pouring in
wind rushing
everything alive.

Hated the fields image. You spend this whole piece focused on aspects within the tree, by inviting the field image in, you expand my point of "nature" and draw into question the tree's surroundings which are ultimately completely unimportant. Again below with the cars and crosswalks line. Drop that first line, it brings down that whole section in multiple ways. A) It doesn't make any sense next to the rest of this. B) it takes away the power of opening consecutive stanzas with similar first lines. That repetition adds power to the sentiment.

still cars come through and crosswalks are necessary and
there's a boy with blue eyes waiting for words to describe
how frustrating it can be to have competition with a tree -
he'll never be as tall, as grand, as breathtaking,
as colorful, as satisfying to touch.
i cant pick off his bark and find life underneath
break off a branch and not have him worry
come back years later and find him rooted
unharmed, untouched, stronger and more
a part of himself and the world than ever before.
'you're my world,' but no...
the world is so much more.

You're line break after the first "more" is awful. It makes me stop like its a completed thought where you ended like a game show host, "All this... AND MORE!" and then jolts me by continuing the thought on the next line. That will be a simple fix that really makes this paragraph wind down much smoother and more "settle" into place. I thought a lot of this was well done and really spoke the increasing "touch" and "complexity" you are gaining with spitting out the "Real world" with more complex and layered views. Only other thought I had was possibly playing more with internal rhyme in the third line by changing to "how frustrating it can be to compete with a tree." A little sing songy, but sort of "zips" the flow into action. That's also how I read it anyways on first read and really gave me a good feel and bounce to swing into your comparisons.

baby, you can't compete.
you'll have to learn to climb with me.

You killed this piece here. This is wholly my opinion, but damnit this is my critique, so I'll say it anyways. I'd drop Baby you can't compete... we get that. You just spent umpteen lines telling me why he can't compete... don't slap me with it. Absorb that last line into the second stanza and change it to something like, "he needs to learn to climb with me." Don't drop us from third person to you talking to him... its abrupt and really strikes at the feel this builds. You've built this whole thing like you are talking to a friend about some guy... and then to switch voice and make it like you were talking to him... meh. Keep it third, draw your conclusions and let this speak for itself without adding a third voice to it.



I enjoyed a good portion of this. Shows you developing as a writer.

If you could, either Go with God or Shadow Puppets could use some love. Go with God is new but shadow puppets went without love.
#6
I loved this the first time I read it. But as I continued with my analysis, my admiration started to leave. And after reading Zach's comment a part of that joy left again, in a little tiny chunk.
I agree with what he is saying. Maybe it could be edited? I know you don't appreciate that—and you know I don't, either—but sometimes it's cool.

The buzz isn't lasting here, but it could be. It could be brilliant.
#7
Other than some of the line breaks and a couple of words, I like this the way it is. I know what I was thinking, seeing, and feeling and what I was trying to say. I'm not trying to be arrogant or anything, the fields and crosswalks are just important to me.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#8
i was thinking about this today. i thought i'd get on here and tell you that i really enjoy your poetry, and i really enjoy you, saadia.
When I hit 'em from the back, I got them mami's saying dammit man.


When I put it in their mouth, I got them mami's saying duh-huh-huh-muhh.