#1
God be with you, Phereson.. c4c


...and who hasn't considered suicide?

What I'm getting at is, when you walked up with that red-headed boy, your hands tucked deep into one another's, his face brighter than the palest morning sun, and your eyes darting back forth... I could see the reflection of your boobs in his bi-focals. His lenses are C-cups and his clothes came from the thrift store down the street. I mean... you're the queen of this university and you're dating some schmuck from the physics department. You're a Theta Pi and he divides by pi. You don't see the mismatch?

Look, the reason I pulled you aside isn't because I want you to be with me. You're beautiful, Karen. You know it, I know it, everyone knows it. You're also a down-right bitch; "dating" Ryan just so he will do your homework is wrong. Even he knows you're getting your jollies elsewhere. Why wouldn't you be... you're Karen Downing. Stop using the fucking kid. He doesn't have the balls to break up with you; so I'm doing it for him. Leave him alone.


... and who hasn't wanted to be in a hot air balloon? So high above the ground that it all makes sense; where land becomes colors and people become ants and guns are so small they haven't even been invented yet.



---


...and who hasn't considered suicide?


"These past three weeks were the happiest of my life. I found my place and it was tucked under her wings. They were spread across me, enveloping me and giving me a home to hold onto. I've known since day one there were other men; but I didn't think she would leave me for them. I was her plaything and I loved the role. Why'd she have to out-grow me?

Mom, I always loved you. Tell the bastard you replaced dad with to burn in hell.

Steven, you were a wonderous brother. Don't forget me. You carry my faith in humanity.

Don't forget me, Steven. Don't."
#3
I won't forget you man! I promise!

/predictable joke

Did you know there's a random emoticon URL in your piece? There is when I read it anyways.

I'm not sure that I liked the change in tone starting with the third sentence of the second paragraph. For the first half you're being somewhat witty and your disdain for her isn't clearly evident, but then you suddenly switch to being completely straightforward and somewhat hostile. It's not that it's wrong. It just didn't work for me.

Also, the second sentence in the second paragraph seems unnecessary, as it would were this a real conversation. It's like you used it just because you thought it was a cool line.

One more thing is that the first paragraph comes off as a kind of premeditated outburst on your character's part, as if the word choice were planned down to the T. I only say that because personally I don't know anyone that goes around talking that witty off the top of their head. (ie. "his lenses are C-cups")

Cool.
#4
Quote by bassbeat77

I don't know anyone that goes around talking that witty off the top of their head. (ie. "his lenses are C-cups")

Cool.


I'm that witty off the top of my head.

As for the piece, you're either getting at something way beyond my grasp or you're just roaming aimlessly through literaryland. The paragraph with the C-cups is my least favorite by far. I can't say I dug it.

Mind taking a look at this?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1208699
I want Super Saiyan abilities
#6
wow OKAY
just reread it
i had some other**** written, **** it

beautiful piece mahn
Reaching for the sun
one may forget
the feet which
ground him
Last edited by bigbirdfan at Oct 8, 2009,
#7
Not a fan of these lines:
I could see the reflection of your boobs in his bi-focals.

Boobs is out of place, the whole beginning sounds like a powerful statement/rant and boobs throws it off into the kiddy corner.
You're a Theta Pi and he divides by pi. You don't see the mismatch?

I enjoy what you did here, the Theta Pi/Divides by Pi play on words, but it doesn't read right, it feels almost unnecessary or out of place, as clever as it is.
-
Now the second paragraph i felt either lost the momentum or had a change in pace compared to the first paragraph. Almost every line in the first paragraph had an impact, while the second each line felt kind of bland with the exceptions of,
Why wouldn't you be... you're Karen Downing. Stop using the ****ing kid. He doesn't have the balls to break up with you; so I'm doing it for him. Leave him alone.


The italicized parts where beautiful.

The ending caught me off guard and was damn near moving.

I enjoyed this,
if you want to c4c feel free to tear up overgrown grass.
this one is for you.
Last edited by Ebshabutiee at Oct 8, 2009,
#9
The only thing I have to nitpick about this is that the narration seems kind of unnecessary when juxtaposed with the story...the message gets through without the interjections. Not that they were bad. I liked them...it just seems...I dunno.

I guess if you subtract that you're left with what I assume was an actual conversation and what I assume was an actual suicide note, neither of which were intended as poetry. But sometimes I think poetry just happens without our intervention and this seems like one of those times to me.

Check mine out? here
Last edited by flame843 at Oct 9, 2009,
#10
I have to leave for the weekend in half an hour so I'll rush this ;

words like boobs(rather than breasts) and schmuck kept me from taking this seriously. I meant to comment on that but then decided not to waste my and your time, because you'd probably say something about how you don't want to take writing seriously.

The fact is this is trying to sound serious at times but sounds like a pre-teen diary entry at others. What's with that second stanza? I'd do without it honestly. The voice and tone is so immature, it contrasts in a very very bad way with that hot hair balloon part. You can still address directly everything talked about in that stanza, the way you did it, but with refining the dialogue a little. Adding images. We use imagery when we talk. why not do it here?

Most of this is highly uninteresting on a reader's point of view. But there are some bright spots around which I'd like to see you build.

See, this is why I never comment on your pieces anymore. I always say the same stuff and I know damn well you don't care about working on them at all.

On that note, I'm off, be back on monday night. take care.
#11
i half-agree with ebshab. i'm all for vernacular/slang jostling the reader/listener, but i feel like boobs is weird. i think "tits" would be better. it sounds a little bit more bitter and indignant than boobs, while still maintaining the slight break in form.

other than that, i think it's fantastic. i love the line about being so far above guns they haven't been invented yet. that was awesome. that entire part did what good writing does. i actually saw myself ascending up in a hot air balloon watching the earth fade away. really good diction there; really invoked an emotional response from me.

love it.
#DTWD