#1
I know how I would perceive this myself,
still I want you to fire away!

General

Down South, him, out of decorum,
Standing alone in his heresy,
decorated like a chimney wall,
badges like hunter's trophies
open-mouthed and calling for revisal.
Up North, opposite wall, more badges, more trophies
Callous in their compunction.
"Nothing will be sent", they say
"There is enough meat around the dinner table already"
Him : "you do not understand
how can you think of this
as a matter of prey?
There are no technicalities,
no hunters, only bodies.
We are, or can be sanative
not sedative!"

Line cut. No word if he made it or not.
Last edited by circular.parade at Oct 8, 2009,
#2
This is the type of thing I would usually love. "Trippy" in an odd sort of way but with a lot of layers underneath. Pieces like this usually make my brain spin in and out and up and down and really just enjoy the complexities that you present. However, in this, there was a very pungent sense of smugness that I found very off-putting. Your narrational voice, at least to me, came off as uninvolved. Detached in the same way as the narrator in one of those animal shows when he says, "as you can see here, the lion is ruthlessly devouring one of those cute zebras we were just showing you" in a semi-jolly tone.

I wanted to like this. I liked the presentation... the stylistic choice of presenting half of everything and letting us draw our own conclusions (which was done well, without giving too much or too little) but there was something so off-putting and... borderline arrogant in the way it was stated that made me unable to jive with it.

Mat


If you want, go with God or Shadow puppets could use some thoughts.
#3
this being an exercise in tone I'd like to understand what makes it arrogant or that "pungent sense of smugness". as for the detached tone, well zach, of course it's intentional... I could never write about war with an involved tone without second-guessing everything. That wouldn't serve the purpose of the poem at all anyway.

Nevermind my last sentence, if you can just tell me what makes it arrogant or whatever it would be of great help.
#4
Honestly, I think its just the detached tone mixed with writing about war using words like decorum and compunction.

It adds this overtone of arrogance. An "I'm looking down on this war, but am so above it" that just came out to me.

To be honest, I've never been good at understanding why some written things come off certain ways. I'd guess its just the vocabulary vs subject discrepancy.
#5
i have no idea how i think. I am turned on to it in a crime and punishment way but turned off of it in an obscure hemmingway short story kind of way. if that makes any sense. bump. and i want to be back to look into this proper.
#6
I don't think I got arrogance or smugness. I did get an overall detached tone but I don't think it was arrogant in respect to the subject matter. I think what was focused on was interesting and I think this goes by fast, maybe too fast but it was definately a nice, composed poem. I like it.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#7
I can see what he means by arrogance. You picked a subject about war and the vocabulary basically should have been more down-to-earth simple rather than being so advanced. War is simple to depict and when you choose a vocabulary that is too high it really does come off arrogant like he said it is like you being above war when you should be on the same plane as it in this particular poem. It is almost like you saying "I am too good for war."

Other than that I love the ending.