#1
this is probably the first thing I've written since I've gotten to college. hell the first thing i've written in quite some time.


Ive spent weeks trying to write something.
A word.
A phrase.
Anything.
Enough for someone just to comprehend what has been going on.
Here, Now.
In my head.
In my place.
My mind has been buzzing from the noise that echos through the halls.
Sound waves, bouncing and traveling, inch by inch, from door to door.
And the clicking and the ticking, mirroring and mimicking the keyboards and the clocks that surround this shallow place.
And I've been digging down into this tiny crawl space, searching for the warmth and comfort I used to know so well.
Waiting for the small voice to open up and speak, even if at all just three little words.
They mean so much, yet fill such minimal space.

I've been pressing down with this pen, trying to find the right ways to place it.
Which ways to figure out how to I'm supposed to construct this foundation.
Because if one brick is misplaced, or I lose even the slightest bit of grout, our palace may crumble and shatter.
And even if the pillars begin to fall, I'll still hold it on my back, as if I was holding the earth together.
Keep your head up brown eyes, I wont let your world fall down.

It's 11pm, or is it 1?
I can't tell the difference anymore.
I'm still awake, still too wired to drift off into some type of dreamy peaceful sleep.
All these notes, and chicken scratch scribblings.
They are meaningless, or are they?
I cant tell anymore.
Im just staring at the shadows jumping from wall to window, waiting for some type of answer or sign.
Just listen.
For the owls quiet coo.
Or the hum a falling star.
Silence.
If I don't meet you no more in this world, I'll meet you in the next one and dont be late.

JWU Baking and Pastry '13
#2
Having felt a lot of the same feelings as you when trying to be creative and write new material, I feel you really penetrate some of the abstract sensations and thoughts involved with such a frustrating situation.

"Sound waves, bouncing and traveling, inch by inch, from door to door.
And the clicking and the ticking, mirroring and mimicking the keyboards and the clocks that surround this shallow place"
I particularly liked this section, the balance and bouncing from one image to another had a very pleasing effect on the narrative.
Also I find the phrase "tiny crawl space" particularly well put together.

In my opinion the final stanza feels like it's dragging me away from the otherwise dark and surrounding tone of the piece. After such an abstract second stanza it kind of brings me crashing back which I don't feel is necessary. Adding the element of time "11pm...1" perhaps was not necessary either, and I'm not sure I completely connect with your use of the word "wired".
However I did like the final four lines, once again they show a well timed balance and fantastic use of imagery that closes the piece nicely.


I'd very much like it if you would take a moment to critique some of my lyrics: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1213053
Thanks
Last edited by The_Fuzz22 at Oct 9, 2009,
#3
yea the whole beginning to the last stanza is basically relating to my insomnia ive developed at college. i forgot what the times were. But i def see what youre saying.
Thanks for the feedback! :0)
If I don't meet you no more in this world, I'll meet you in the next one and dont be late.

JWU Baking and Pastry '13
#4
Nice to see some writing about a topic that hasn't been beaten into the ground. Brilliantly written, and I can't wait to hear this in a song.
C4C?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1212437
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The man clearly knows his shit.

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one of the best, educated and logical posts I've ever seen on UG in the Pit. Well done good sir.