#1
She doesn't wear the deep-blue contacts anymore,
Leaving the task of vision correction to her glasses.
If you ask me, she's prettier like that, anyway,
With the brown God gave her peering through slight lenses.

I ask her to close her eyes and listen to the birds.
Silently, she refuses,
Like the phone calls she asks for and doesn't return.

Neither of us really knows what we're doing here,
But both of us know why we came.
I'm missing dinner for her,
The little sister I never had,
As she teeters on her last legs.

Clouds pass.
I hug her goodbye and make her promise.
She nods, staring at something behind my back
Only she can see.

One week passes.
The phone rings.
She swallowed pills.
Last edited by flame843 at Oct 9, 2009,
#2
Dude, this is good stuff. I'd say try and talk a little bit more about her. From this I imagine she is just a friend because of "The little sister I never had". She wants attention but its never enough for her "she refuses, Like the phone calls she asks for and doesn't return". She trys or does commit suicide "She swallowed pills." maybe talk about why she's in this position. Great start though. Let me know when you add to it
#4
Time to be an asshole.

I thought this was weakly done. You establish so little character and because of this I don't care that this character died. I hate to be frank like that, as it could be personal to you... but since you've posted it, I'm going to tear it up.

I liked your first stanza and had high hopes for this; you really brought on a beautiful but subtle introduction to the characters. However, from there down, I didn't enjoy any of it. Your second stanza was too short to develop anything. You don't add anything to the characters... you actually weaken the "affection" that was shown in the first stanza; because you really don't introduce anything... you just throw out so matter of fact, "I told her to do this. She didn't." Nothing in there drew me in or offered any sort of poetic function. It was like me telling you, "my name is Zach" and you saying "sure." Paint me an image, don't tell me about it. I want your words to build a vivid show in my mind where she refuses and I don't just have to take your word for it.

Neither of us really knows what we're doing here,
But both of us know why we came.
I'm missing dinner for her,
The little sister I never had,
As she teeters on her last legs.


awesome, you don't know what you're doing here. Neither do I... AND I don't know why you came which makes this whole damn first line completely pointless. You don't give us anything here. So she's depressed or dying... ok. So what? This is the little sister you never had... give me some damn details. Tell me about holding her in hte rain and stroking her hair while sitting on a hillside surrounded by seagulls that were eating a fish that they cuaght in the cities river. Tell me about pushing her down the hill and yelling at her to grow up. SHOW me something.

Ok, so you hug her goodbye after this... you still haven't established any sort of real emotional connection between you and "her." Sure, she's a little sister figure... but is this a little sister you like? Is this someone you've known forever? does she wear pigtails? is she crying? Are you talking her out of killing herself?

You give us nothing in this narrative. And because of this, when you tell me she's dead with the "Turning point line" at the end.. I feel no sympathy because I don't believe anything you've told me. You don't establish any credibility because you never show me anything. You have to convince me this is a real story; you have to paint a picture that I have to believe before you can throw down a ending line like that and have me buy it and feel anything.


I hope that makes sense. Sorry for your loss if this is true. I won't apologize for being harsh, its the only way for you to grow as a writer.

for getting to mine.

-zC
#6
ZanasCross... try going to college genius. There's a difference from corrective critizism and just tearing somebodys work apart. You could have made your point in a way that would actually help, instead of just telling him every line is lacking credibility. Read some poetry and learn something.
#7
Quote by DreamCatchMe
ZanasCross... try going to college genius. There's a difference from corrective critizism and just tearing somebodys work apart. You could have made your point in a way that would actually help, instead of just telling him every line is lacking credibility. Read some poetry and learn something.



I've been through college and am working on a PhD. Sure, there is a difference, but sometimes that line is blurred. Sometimes the best thing for the writer is to hear the truth. Stop being a bleeding heart. If you are posting something for people to critique; and they decide it deserves being ripped to shreds then that is what happens. If you can't take it... you shouldn't be posting your work.

Flame took it just fine, (s)he knows exactly where I'm coming from and that I didn't mean it personally, but I did see that what happened in this piece didn't express even half of the sentiment I'm quite sure it was supposed to.

I'm not going to sugar coat my criticisms to make it seem like I don't think the piece was lacking. What's the point? They aren't going to take as much out of... "well this was ok but..." as they are "look... these parts didn't do anything for your piece at all and in fact hurt what you were going for."

Maybe you should look into actually learning to criticize someone's work instead of trying to pad their egos; that way they can actually grow as a writer.


(sorry for spamming your thread, Flame. Thought this deserved a retort though.)
#8
first off: Zack, you tell 'em GURRLLLLLLLLL.
Quote by flame843
She doesn't wear the deep-blue contacts anymore,
Leaving the task of vision correction to her glasses.
If you ask me, she's prettier like that, anyway,
With the brown God gave her peering through slight lenses.
I enjoyed the first and the third line of this stanza. Line2 isn't bad, it just doesn't have an impact or really attract my attention. Line4 on the other hand I don't like. I don't like the empty statement of 'the brown god gave her' Brown what?(I know you mean eyes) But it lacks subject and when being read it doesn't paint a pretty picture. Another thing with this line is, '...through slight lenses.' I don't like the wording here, it is confusing, slight lenses doesn't convey the image of eyes properly.

I ask her to close her eyes and listen to the birds.
Silently, she refuses,
Like the phone calls she asks for and doesn't return.
This doesn't really bring the piece anywhere, but its pretty. More of a filler stanza

Neither of us really knows what we're doing here,
But both of us know why we came.
I'm missing dinner for her,
The little sister I never had,
As she teeters on her last legs.
What Zack said for this stanza is dead on.

Clouds pass.
I hug her goodbye and make her promise.
She nods, staring at something behind my back
Only she can see.

One week passes.
The phone rings.
She swallowed pills.
Way way way way way to blunt for an ending. You where building with some strong stanzas, but this felt completely out of nowhere.


I thought this was decent.
Take Zack's criticism to heart, he is so much more experienced at this than I.
this one is for you.