#1
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Imbecile love

Even when I see this from your eyes
I don't see what you see
like a constellation in the cryptic skies
it's just too vague for make believe

I drew a picture you were so eager to color
You picked up the figure that was easy to murder

from all the things I could've been
You picked the worst and improvised
You impeded me to monetize
for a moment there I was your device

When I had a feeling ,you had your doubts
You did your inspection
without a sound


I drew a picture you were so eager to color
You picked up the figure that was easy to murder

Listen all my emotions just set me free
this imbecile love is not for me
let's meet in the mirror I'll explain to you
you're me but I'm not you

I drew a picture you were so eager to color
You picked up the figure that was easy to murder
Hi
#2
Even when I see this from your eyes
I don't see what you see
like a constellation in the cryptic skies
it's just too vague for make believe
When reading the first two lines, it seem like the second line is a syllable short. So I think you should add 'do' after you, so the sentence reads: "I don't see what you do see." But that is just a personal opinion.
I drew a picture you were so eager to color
You picked up the figure that was easy to murder
The first line is a pretty good catch line to be used for a chorus, but the second line didn't seem to flow right. If you wanted to add syllables you could change 'murder' to exterminate, or if you want to take out syllables, "you took a figure you could easily destroy." But you might have something better in mind so you can write whatever you want there, just 'murder' doesn't sound right there.
from all the things I could've been
You picked the worst and improvised
You impeded me to monetize
for a moment there I was your device
Normally not rhyming sound ok and doesn't really form a problem, but the first two lines need to rhyme for some reason. When reading this stanza I always seem to end the second line with a 'them' or something along those lines to rhyme with 'been.' But for the word 'improvised,' I tried to think of all the words I can that could posably rhyme with been, but still mean fixing. The only thing I could come up with was 'mend,' but I don't see how that could work. So try to change the words up a little to make those two rhyme, or make it so they don't need a rhyme at all.
When I had a feeling ,
you had your doubts Just make this it's own line, it sounds better.
You did your inspection
without a sound
With that fix, it looks and sounds better, and now you have all four lines.
Listen to all my emotions, just set me free
this imbecile love is not for me
let's meet in the mirror, I'll explain to you
you're me but I'm not you
The last line doesn't flow right. Reword it so it flow more smoothly from the lips or try to talk more about mirror or more about love.

Overall this poem isn't really that bad. It has a story I have read hundreds of times, so if you really want to make this poem stand out you need to make it different some way. Either add an interesting rhyme sequence or try using symbols to represent you, her, and your love; so then your not really talking about you the love, but through symbols, similes, or metaphors.

So for right now all I have to say is Keep on Writing
Comments or Suggestions
Omit or Change
Suggested Changes


I am the 24 Wild Rovers
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#3
Great work.

Above user critted it pretty well. I disagree with :

When reading the first two lines, it seem like the second line is a syllable short. So I think you should add 'do' after you, so the sentence reads: "I don't see what you do see." But that is just a personal opinion.

I think that the sylllable short is nessesary and reads well.
a little lost.....