#1
This is a poem about a guy who is basically a bond between earth,heaven, and hell and so he lives forever and how much it would suck to be immortal.

I cleanse myself of turmoils past
Swimming in seas of sorrows vast
Under the weight of all that's been
Forever more die from within.
For aeons I have longed for death
Eternal is my every breath
Riddance I pray so long as I live
Embers of dark are now mine to give.
Tomorrow I fear with the dearest of terrors
Embracing this gift was the gravest of errors
Remembering is pain and perpetual sorrow
Never to be free, this cursed life is my horror!
Always is the chain that will bind me forever
Love is a thorn that my heart cannot sever
Life is a poison that eternally drains
Ygdrasil I am, the sacred ruler of planes.
I realized I was god when I prayed and saw that I was talking to myself.
#2
The problem with this - a very distracting problem - is your rhyming. The rhyme scheme you have, that binary form that goes in the same pattern over and over and over, is boring and sounds cheesy. Almost nursery rhymish.

Keep in mind that poetry doesn't have to rhyme. Most of the time it's better when you use rhyme sparingly. It's actually a hard thing to do and pull off.

Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#3
If I read you right you are suggesting that this immortal person hasn't had a past

that he has cherished, so to me the first line seems doesn't seem to fit if he has

cleansed himself why would he be swimming in a sea of sorrow? may something like

"I drench myself in turmoils past" its just that one word that doesn't seem to fit

other than that I liked it.
#4
Quote by Captain Capo
If I read you right you are suggesting that this immortal person hasn't had a past

that he has cherished, so to me the first line seems doesn't seem to fit if he has

cleansed himself why would he be swimming in a sea of sorrow? may something like

"I drench myself in turmoils past" its just that one word that doesn't seem to fit

other than that I liked it.

Actually this person is trying to forget how crappy the past the past was and it doesn't help that he knows how crappy the future will be forever.

Even as he tries to forget the sorrow of living for an eternity remains.

Also I've found it interesting that neither reviewer has noticed the sentence that's spelled by the first word of every line.

You know it isn't easy to write a half-decent poem while adhering to a preset pattern.

Just Saying.

Thanks for the critique.
I realized I was god when I prayed and saw that I was talking to myself.
#5
Ya I saw the pattern I just thought that one word is misplace. Sorry I didn't mention anything else I wasn't trying to be vague in my critique I'm just rather uncomfortable critiqing others work when I haven't mastered it myself. Sorry you had to be the practice dummy :P