#1
I was a pine-cone
lying in a carcass of ribs
ten thousand years before
you brought me here
with your film crew
erecting ominous
cedar backdrops
and an autumn maple
director pointed out
the general specifics for the
scene.

I was choking before
the first take
because I had seen
your eyebrows evaporate,
your tongue become sandpaper
against steel fangs
dripping with lust
for my jugular
and my mistakes.

The nightmares didn't
get trapped in the web
and the anti-lock
failed again
and the album
was just as bad
as it was when you
were fourteen;
you easier then.
But a long time
of ****ing around
and masturbating
and smoking dope
and getting depressed
and attempting suicide
catches up with you and
you wonder why the wind gets
knocked out
when you needed it.

No filming today.
We'll have the stuntmen do it
for us.
I've got the pneumonia
and you have a date
with a heroin needle.
Last edited by hippieboy444 at Oct 11, 2009,
#2
You getting very good, very fast. I loved this even more than your last one. It's straight and sharply to the point, but with just enough poetic skill to not be blunt and uninteresting.
#3
Thanks for the criticism I'm sorry I hardly ever crit back. I will tonight though I promise
#4
The linebreaks here were too monotonous. Think about what kind of tone you want to create. Think about how this would sound if it was read aloud. Think about what looks better, even. Then adjust the linebreaks. The intro stanza was great. It really stood out, I think because of the arresting imagery in the first two lines and the way you set it up with "I was... before" as the construction. I'm not sure about the transition in tone from the first through the last stanza. The first stanza was pretty consistent, the second was consistent in a much different fashion (more mood-wise than actually literally being related, like tree is to pinecone), then the third just goes directly to what you actually want to talk about. I don't really know what to say about it. I guess I felt that it shifted gears a little too much. But still, interesting.