#1
Part from another piece, but felt it deserved to be revisited. Returning Crits tonight from last one. c4c.


... and who hasn't dreamt of being in a hot air balloon?
So high above the ground, that it all makes sense.
Land blends to colors,
people fade to ants,
guns are so small
that they haven't been invented yet.

... and who hasn't sighed in release?
Watched breath wisp away in morning chill
only to find beauty in tragedy,
the silver lining to a loved one's last breath.
Freedom from burdens that never deserved
the shoulder's they perched upon.

Who hasn't found himself,
in the last place he ever thought to look?
#2
This was perfect, Zach. I rapidly fell out of your last piece, you kept reminding me I was reading instead of letting me get immersed. However, you have done just that right here, and that's why this works.
#3
I agree with kdownes; it was almost perfect. I can't say I didn't like anything about it. The language is what drew me in; its beautiful. Great work
#4
This was a much much much better take on the recycled parts. The last one felt like you had a few seperate lines and connected them in one piece under one idea. Then melded them together into coherence. This one felt more like writing.

This starts out strong. The first stanza;' last line bothers me a tiny bit. Relative to it's surroundings, it sounds like too harsh of a technique to say what you are saying in that line.
The second stanza is held up by the ideas in it but it didn't capture the strength of that idea entirely because of the wording of the last two lines

The third stanza was the low point for me. It loses the aura it sort of had goin for it. The attitude drops and it becomes much less flattering.

Strong ending.

I liked this a lot zach. I think you found a much more approachable presentation and it works in a lot of places and has promise in others.

I was happy to read this from you

hope you're well.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#6
This was brilliant Zach, you have reached the level of crafting that you have merely hinted at with your previous pieces. The subtleness and cleverness that scattered around this piece was captivating and reassuring. It felt almost like a proverb, a proverb that you didn't nearly achieve with your previous pieces that used God (or christianity as a whole) as a reference point. The tone of the entire piece was perfect; change nothing.

Thank you for posting this Zach.

BTW: This should win WOTW.
Last edited by Bleed Away at Oct 11, 2009,
#7
i don't normally do this, but this work warrants a full crit.

... and who hasn't dreamt of being in a hot air balloon?
So high above the ground, that it all makes sense.
Land blends to colors,
people fade to ants,
guns are so small
that they haven't been invented yet.

The opening question leaves me enthralled. A perfect way to start off the work. People fade to ants is a bit to cliche for me. The last line is good.


... and who hasn't sighed in release?
Watched breath wisp away in morning chill
only to find beauty in tragedy,
the silver lining to a loved one's last breath.
Freedom from burdens that never deserved
the shoulder's they perched upon.

Again, your use of Motif, (In the form of a question to start each new verse) is excellent.
The last two lines for me are my favourite of this whole work. Outstanding.

... and who hasn't considered suicide?
Light can always pierce a darkness.
Put Socrates cup to his lips,
just to remember how breath once felt.
Found hell abundant in his breast;
an inkling of heaven too.

My least favourite verse, but a nessesary one in the context. Just to remember how breath once felt is a very nice line.

Who hasn't found himself,
in the last place he ever thought to look?


Great work, I don't have any pieces for you to crit, but I will let you know when I do.
a little lost.....
#8
I loved everything about this except the third stanza. I think it doesn't have the impact you were looking for. Stanza two and last two lines were simply beautiful. On the first stanza the only thing that bothers me is the line "people fade to ants" just because is too simple and too heard of.

Nothing else to say, I fear.

By the way, sorry for taking this long to return a crit