#1
I wrote these lyrics not long ago when I found myself missing my grandfather and at the same time thinking about how different things seem to be without him. but I'm wondering if it doesn't rhyme too much. I'm kinda thinkn cross canadian ragweed on this so think kinda bluegrass/country

When my grandpa past away
They laid him to rest in that ol' red clay
I look forward to seein' him again, Some sunny day

I can still see his face
I can still hear him say
"boy there ain't no right way todo the wrong thing"

Oh my how things have changed

I still like skinny dippin' under the stars
tryin' to avoid the bacon in squad cars
makin love on the hood of my old chevrolet
Just a few things they can never change

Nowaday's You have to work twice as hard
cuz yer dollar just don't go very far
even have to work on sunday....

and I'm too broke to file bankruptcy
I got all these bill collector's and debtors callin me
seems like ten times everyday

Guess they don't understand I don't have any money to pay

I still like fast cars and xanex bars
Drink'n my whiskey outta mason jars
Pickin a few songs on this ol guitar
That's somethin they can never change

and the information superhighway
don't seem to be goin my way
lost my ass down on wallstreet just the otherday

and it seems just like yesterday
I was livin life my way
but I think they're trying to change it all away

What else will they change?

I still like fast cars and xanex bars
drinkin my whiskey outta mason jars
pickin women up in sleezy bars
Ya that's the southern way

and they send our boys overseas to die
without ever even battin an eye
they give their lives away

to a country that can never repay
and it makes me wonder
if they ever even gave a good goddamn anyway

ya it makes me wonder
what our forefathers would have to say
I think they'd roll over in their graves

I still like skinny dippin under the stars
tryin' to avoid the bacon in squad cars
makin love on the hood of my ol' chevrolet

I love playing this song and its straight from the heart so please crit this I really wanna know what people think and ways I can improve it.
#2
its nice and can tell it quiet personal which would be greatly potrayed in song format , and who cares if it doesnt rhyme every line, there is no written law saying that song lyrics/poetry HAS TO rhyme
#4
No in music anything can be portrayed and you will find better lyrics when they are explaining with emotion and not truely worring about rhymes
have a read of Suppers ready lyrics

http://www.sing365.com/music/lyric.nsf/Supper's-Ready-lyrics-Genesis/2E83F9E74F4A4CF64825696000131E98
#5
Well, the thing you have going for you is that you aleady recognized your problem, which is good. Yes, this piece does have a problem with the rhyming. It doesn't HAVE to rhyme, so don't FORCE it to rhyme. Always, always remember that. Also, you don't have to always rhyme at the end of a line. Use of assonance also has a similar but more subtle effect. You can use slant rhymes as well, not every rhyme has to be "perfect" where the last letters are exactly the same. When you do this it sounds cheesy.

Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#6
kk thanks I'm starting to catch the jest of it I dunno why I wrote it that way it just

happened. Next time I write something I'll keep that in mind my only question is when is it

ok to rhyme and when does it not sound cheesy?
#7
When you rhyme words like day and clay, cars and stars, is when it sounds cheesy. They are one syllable words that end with the exact same letters. But if, for example, you used a slant rhyme like regard and bizarre, it is a little less simple. When you rhyme words at the end of the line every time, it also becomes cheesy.

Read this for a better explanation:

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showpost.php?p=6151550&postcount=3
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#8
Ahh thanks man it seems this song writing is harder than I originally thought but I see

what you mean about being cheesy I knew it was borderline to begin with I guess this

thread should be moved to the technique section really. Thanks for helping the quality of

my music Improve
#9
Ganoosh summed it up pretty fairly.

I love it, very heartfelt and mostly it's cleverly written.
a little lost.....
#10
Thanks. Im gonna keep the rhymes I think on this one though I mean what country songs arent kinda cheesy?