#1
Writing this song to be a nu-metal type song or maybe just rock dunno yet but I have run into a wall with my lyrics. so does this peice seem too short and leave you hanging or is it long enough?

UAV's in the sky
Everything below must die
All while we sit back and watch, from our satelites

Women and children dead in the streets
when all they wanted was something to eat

With all those shell casings at your feet
Surely you did not think they could bring you defeat?

UAV's in the sky
everything below must die
All while we sit back and watch from, our satelites

Now you send our boys to die
can you hear their mothers cry?

as you lie awake at night
all because you didn't want to change your way of life?

UAV's in the sky
everything below must die
all while we watch from our satelite.

and you say there is no more blood for oil
but we are still over there

and you say the end isn't near
But I say its already here

UAV's in the sky
everything below must die
all while we watch from our satelites
Last edited by Captain Capo at Oct 11, 2009,
#2
I wrote this about the same time as my other song wich also rhymed too much both are

getting revamped sorry!
#3
I think it's actually pretty good. I don't have very much experience in the song-writing field as of yet, but i hae been writing poetry for the past few years. To make it better for your viewers, maybe you could try rhyming every other line?? thats just an option, you don't have to ^^ but i think it's very good.
#4
Quote by Captain Capo
Writing this song to be a nu-metal type song or maybe just rock dunno yet but I have run into a wall with my lyrics. so does this peice seem too short and leave you hanging or is it long enough?

UAV's in the sky
Everything below must die
All while we sit back and watch, from our satelites

Women and children dead in the streets
when all they wanted was something to eat

With all those shell casings at your feet
Surely you did not think they could bring you defeat?

UAV's in the sky
everything below must die
All while we sit back and watch from, our satelites

Now you send our boys to die
can you hear their mothers cry?

as you lie awake at night
all because you didn't want to change your way of life?

UAV's in the sky
everything below must die
all while we watch from our satelite.

and you say there is no more blood for oil
but we are still over there [Maybe, "For this wretched pain, this mindless toil" ?]

and you say the end isn't near
But I say its already here

UAV's in the sky
everything below must die
all while we watch from our satelites


Try that?
#6
hahaha a lot of the stuff that I come up with involve dead children and people not changing their way of life lol

I'm not a fan of the excessive rhymes though, the refrain about satellites doesn't quite counter the sort of bland AA, Refrain, BB, CC etc. structure you've adopted enough. not bad though. I like the juxtaposition between humans and inanimate pieces of mechanical equipment floating through space apathetically watching life wither though
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#7
Quote by NakedBassist
hahaha a lot of the stuff that I come up with involve dead children and people not changing their way of life lol

I'm not a fan of the excessive rhymes though, the refrain about satellites doesn't quite counter the sort of bland AA, Refrain, BB, CC etc. structure you've adopted enough. not bad though. I like the juxtaposition between humans and inanimate pieces of mechanical equipment floating through space apathetically watching life wither though


Ya this was one of my first songs so the format wasn't exactly perfect and I'm still trying to break my habit of rhyming too much so it is what it is, glad you liked the idea of it though