#1
Tick tock, numbers
seconds minutes and hours
all go creeping by and charts
and schedules dictate what to do with them,
who what when where and
why scrawled all over.
length distance time
pounds speed money
cocaine coated nostrils and still
details details,
facts details
build up and pile on
and build on and pile up
and create a block.
a dam, a wall a scar
an immovable….
thing.
and some crack
becomes a hole and
the whole contents
pour out.
all floods out,
ashes ashes
all falls down,
and then I wanna live in my head,
kill my body,
and imagination up my own little world
where everything will be okay.

And then I will finally be able to blow my nose
and see whats on the tissue.


Trying something new here.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
Last edited by Ganoosh at Oct 12, 2009,
#2
i like it!! haha its a very unique peice...or i never crit things haha but really i like it, but idk how this would sound sung, the lines seem to short for me being able to hear sung. but then again everything to me seems better as a poem. anyway nice peice
Squirrels>all other animals group

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#3
i like this. like eahilder said it is very unique.
i want to change the "build on" to "build upon." its a really minor thing so i don't think it matters too much. both work. i like "upon" though. i like the "hole" and "whole." i like it when lyrics do that kind of play on words. its clever. i like the very end too. really random as far as i could tell. and i just thought it was funny.

overall, pretty cool. definitely different. keep it up.
Guitars:
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You can call me Matt
#4
Thank you for the comments, both of you. Yes, this is a poem, not a song. And yes, the last two lines do have meaning that relates to earlier in the piece. I was kind of worried it would be too vague.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
Last edited by Ganoosh at Oct 13, 2009,
#5
I hate the fact that it lacks punctuation. It still can move at a really fast pace with comma's and full stop's

Onther than that I can't say I was fond with what you were trying to say here. I'm not even sure the point came across or even what point it has. I'm sure the crits you recieve with this will lead you to a better piece, using this technique you want.

Also, sorry I took this long to crit you back but I've been terribly busy.

#6
I originally had a good deal of punctuation in this but I took it out. I think I'm going to put a little bit back in.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#7
This is wondrously beautiful, Ganoosh. I like this one far better than any other piece I've read from you. Just sublime