#1
C4C ( leave link )

[ Had to do a poem for university about my identity, originally in portuguese. By the way, if "ajar" on the last line doesn't make any sense please help me ]


In this dark room, someone hugs you in the bed
with a threatening look than inflames your soul.
Calm down. I won’t hurt you, but protect you
from the grudges you bear against yourself.
You try to answer with pauses between syllables
and labial tremors. As always, you impeded
your whimper by twisting your welfare;
fruit of a fear you both know and ignore.

“Who are you?” – You ask to the speechless.
My answer’s demented silence drives you mad.
You disarrange your sheets in anxiety,
dreading that the eighteen suns that pursue you
finally blind your artist view
that no one ever dared to paint.
You reach the boiling point; denying the hug
from the one who invaded your space
and who survives from it.

“Leave me alone!” – You beg;
loosening your throat’s knot
in a shout heard by all.
It is known that thy request
is an order to be fulfilled.

Therefore, our hug
dissolves in a whistle
from the wind, attentive
to the immaculate wick’s
undulant flames from
candles of infinite wax.

You never felt so cold, have you?
Is it psychological? Is it imagination?
Does my hand still decays by your shoulder?
This image, both dream and dismay,
is the one that lulls you and takes your sleep away.

And the first sun still doesn’t rise from slightly opened blinds.
Last edited by seventh_angel at Oct 15, 2009,
#2
I really like this piece - its one of sophistication I don't see a whole lot on here. The last full stanza isn't very appealing though - I think it would be better if you could form those into statements instead of questions. The last line is very good great piece.
#3
I like this as well. I have to disagree about the last line though. I absolutely hate ajar. Just use open.

Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#5
this was originally in Portuguese? impressive translation.
impressive piece in general,
I agree change ajar to something else, it takes away from a brilliant line.
this one is for you.