#1
I keep reaching the same revelations.

Last week, in the house on Pleasant Street, I met a man with a misplaced soul
He was wandering on the futon with a Rolling Rock road map
And a sign hung round his neck that read:
My name is Phillip, king of fools. Look upon my suffering, ye Mighty, and repent!
but God didn’t put him there.
His loaded gun of self-righteousness was aimed at a shape in the clouds
Poor and lonesome child
Of course, he was too drunk to notice.
They’re always too drunk to notice.

I keep reaching the same revelations.

True story.
My sister left for college and found God where others found only firewater and regret.
I witnessed her baptism along with 50 righteous souls in a room marked “holy”
As I watched tears of childlike elation roll down the cheek of an ancient holding a golden cross in the second row,
I thought to myself, an inferno building in my heart:
“You’re crying for a stranger. You’re crying for a wet stranger. How dare you?”
I swallowed saliva to quench the flames.

I keep reaching the same revelations.

One Sunday morning I awoke to songbirds and sunshine
And I thought nothing of it
I yawned and stretched and wiggled my toes, and in the end I buried my head in my pillow to hide my indifference.
I awoke once more to a crass and vengeful thunder
My indifference had fled with the songbirds.
The world outside my window had a pulse
A lone oak stood steadfast in the yard
As I blinked my eyes it was struck by lightning; miraculous chance.
I muttered to myself: “Jesus Christ.”

I keep reaching the same revelations.
I want Super Saiyan abilities
Last edited by rebelmidget at Oct 20, 2009,
#2
Quote by rebelmidget
I keep reaching the same revelations.

Last week, in the house on Pleasant Street, I met a man with a misplaced soul
He was wandering on the futon with a Rolling Rock road map
And a sign hung round his neck that read:
My name is Phillip, king of fools. Look upon my suffering, ye Mighty, and repent!
but God didn’t put him there.
His loaded gun of self-righteousness was aimed at a shape in the clouds
Poor and lonesome child
Of course, he was too drunk to notice.
They’re always too drunk to notice.

This is probably my favorite of part of the piece especially the last 4 lines of it. It flows really well with good word choice.

I keep reaching the same revelations.

True story.
My sister left for college and found God where others found only firewater and regret.
I witnessed her baptism along with 50 righteous souls in a room marked “holy”
As I watched tears of childlike elation roll down the cheek of an ancient holding a golden cross in the second row,
I thought to myself, an inferno building in my heart:
“You’re crying for a stranger. You’re crying for a wet stranger. How dare you?”
I swallowed saliva to quench the flames.

It starts out well but for some reason i just don't like this stanza. It has a good idea but it seems like it ends abruptly if that makes sense.

I keep reaching the same revelations.

One Sunday morning I awoke to songbirds and sunshine
And I thought nothing of it
I yawned and stretched and wiggled my toes, and in the end I buried my head in my pillow to hide my indifference.
I awoke once more to a crass and vengeful thunder
My indifference had fled with the songbirds.
The world outside my window had a pulse
A lone oak stood steadfast in the yard
As I blinked my eyes it was struck by lightning; miraculous chance.
I muttered to myself: “Jesus Christ.”
This is a great ending and fits really well with the rest.


I keep reaching the same revelations.



Overall i really liked it the end gave the piece closure and it seemed really well organized. Thanks for giving me feedback on my piece.
ED REED BABY