#1
the windows look like grains of sand in a desert
each meticulously polished by the jeweller of weather.
the opening at the bottom alludes to a tree by a river that,
at 9 o'clock, swirls as the storm whips up the bed.
I am still asleep,
my eyes still closed to protect them from the wind.
but comfort is not something life allows.

I could estimate that the building was
one hundred times bigger than my confidence,
and no matter where I asked the elevator to go
it would always be down,
further into the dunes of the desert,
where in each direction, life was the same distance away.

pretty desks enclose prettier workers with make-up
more daring than my feet will ever be today.
I have a mouth made of sand,
my stomach is full of sand.
I am a rock, granulated.

forty-five floors later, I'm in a market
pickpockets and beggars flowing between the
salesman and ladies carrying jugs of water on their heads.
I want to steal it from them.

but a large man watches everyone carefully
with one finger shivering over his sheath.
I swallow more sand.

the door of the head office opens and I sit down,
to be asked why I'm doing it.

I say it's because I'm asleep, smiling that I'm still unemployed.
#2
Quote by AngryGoldfish
the windows look like grains of sand in a desert
each meticulously polished by the jeweller of weather.
the opening at the bottom alludes to a tree by a river that,
at 9 o'clock, swirls as the storm whips up the bed.
I am still asleep,
my eyes still closed to protect them from the wind.
but comfort is not something life allows.

i thought the first two lines were a little cliche minus the 'jeweler of the weather' bit, i thought that was very good. the last line seems too straightforward compared to the rest of this stanza and kind of takes away from the mood and flow you had previously created.

I could estimate that the building was
one hundred times bigger than my confidence,
and no matter where I asked the elevator to go
it would always be down,
further into the dunes of the desert,
where in each direction, life was the same distance away.

meh. i thought this was pretty whatever. nothing to spectacular though it does keep the piece moving, it seems again too straightforward with nothing spectacular to make it stand out.

pretty desks enclose prettier workers with make-up
more daring than my feet will ever be today.
I have a mouth made of sand,
my stomach is full of sand.
I am a rock, granulated.

i really enjoy the first two lines, the rest i could go either way on. i like what you are saying with them, but maybe its just the way you said it? idk.

forty-five floors later, I'm in a market
pickpockets and beggars flowing between the
salesman and ladies carrying jugs of water on their heads.
I want to steal it from them.

love this. the last line is so human.

but a large man watches everyone carefully
with one finger shivering over his sheath.
I swallow more sand.


the door of the head office opens and I sit down,
to be asked why I'm doing it.

I say it's because I'm asleep, smiling that I'm still unemployed.

aha. okay.


besides the few things i pointed out i thought this was great, you moved it along fine and it concluded very nicely. dont know what else to say besides i like your writing and whatever.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1213819
a few words if you dont mind^?
#3
Quote by AngryGoldfish
the windows look like grains of sand in a desert
each meticulously polished by the jeweller of weather.
the opening at the bottom alludes to a tree by a river that,
at 9 o'clock, swirls as the storm whips up the bed. "Whips up the bed" reads awkwardly, for me at least.
I am still asleep,
my eyes still closed to protect them from the wind. - I would lose the still here. It's redundant.
but comfort is not something life allows.

This stanza was awkward and it kinda stumbled over itself. It set up the rest of it nicely enough content wise, but the way it was written was weird to read.

I could estimate that the building was
one hundred times bigger than my confidence, - My favorite line(s) in this piece. This I like.
and no matter where I asked the elevator to go
it would always be down,
further into the dunes of the desert,
where in each direction, life was the same distance away.

This stanza seemed unecessary, all it was doing was further describing the building and actually establishing the fact that it is a very tall building. It flowed better, was more fluid than the first stanza. You could find a way blend this stanza and the first stanza together and get the same effect.

pretty desks enclose prettier workers with make-up
more daring than my feet will ever be today. - meh.
I have a mouth made of sand,
my stomach is full of sand.
I am a rock, granulated. - I'm not sure I fully understand this whole sand thing. I get it, but only vaguely. It seems more like a secondary idea but it is very distracting.

forty-five floors later, I'm in a market
pickpockets and beggars flowing between the
salesman and ladies carrying jugs of water on their heads.
I want to steal it from them. - I wouldn't say I liked this quite as much as rushmore does. It's alright, does have a nice tone to it.

This whole stanza is just kinda blah for me. I think the whole piece could do without it, unless I'm missing some meaning here.

but a large man watches everyone carefully
with one finger shivering over his sheath.
I swallow more sand.

This shouldn't be a seperate stanza, since it seems to directly correlate to the one preceding it..

the door of the head office opens and I sit down,
to be asked why I'm doing it.

I say it's because I'm asleep, smiling that I'm still unemployed.



The thing for me is that the desert/sand thing isn't something I would ever relate to an office building, and you didn't make it something I will relate it with in the future. This, to me, seemed like there was a lot going on that didn't really complement the whole point of the piece.

This whole crit may be a product of me waaay over-analyzing this. Because it's probably what I'm doing. But the way I read it, seems like there's a lot of extraneous stuff.

For what it's worth, I enjoyed reading it although I couldn't fully grasp it.

Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black