Well, I've narrowed it down to three pedals/stompboxes that I really like the tone of: The EH Big Muff Pi, the Vox Satchurator, or the EH Metal Muff.

I'm looking for a diverse pedal that can get bright distorted tones, as well as gainy rock and hair metal tones, AND some crunchy blues. I'm thinking the Metal Muff for it's EQ pedals, but then I also thought that since it was made more for metal, that it couldn't get the bright warm tones I wantm, and then the Satchurator, I feel like it's the opposite where it can get bright tones, but not tinny metal tones. Finally, the Big Muff Pi to my ears feels the same, so can anyone help me decide?
^The Big Muff will go no where near bright warm tones, it is grainy and scooped and to me doesn't do gainy rock as well as other pedals and hair metal tones are definately not what i think of when it comes to a big muff.

I haven't played the other two so i can't comment on them but maybe look into an MI Audio Crunch Box. Pretty versatile and i think it may be able to do most of the stuff you want.