#1
low tide and the night is waking
upon on this beach
i've been traipsing, tripping,
breaking my back on the reef
while you've spent far too many nights as a dreamer
of what the sea holds underneath.
light bends round corners and gleams off the corals,
do you hear it through your sleep?
the water screams from torture
the water screams words tethered to your tongue
and my million eyes burn with anguish
it seems you are the one chained by stasis
and your heart flickers like a heroin flame,
a safe haven for those who need it least
you secretly pray for rain
you try to be discreet so you do it in your sleep
while the world outside your peripheral
meanders on this beach, a squatter.
i'm down here,
down by the water, the reef
admiring a crab
aimlessly wandering.
here, My Dear, here it is
Last edited by SubwayToVenus at Oct 14, 2009,
#2
Some of the rhymes are....pushing it. skin/in, more/before. They are too simple, too obvious. This is alright other than that. Again I don't like the questions, but that's a personal thing.

The beginning part is great, and it kind of deteriorates from there.

Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#4
yeah i agree that the end sucked so i reworked it. don't know if it's any better but i like it a lot more
here, My Dear, here it is
#5
Meh. It's better enough.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#6
you try to be discreet so you do it in your sleep

^that line is perfect. something to be proud of id say. i mean i guess with the line before complimenting it too.

i enjoyed this, thats it.
#8
I really enjoyed this as I do most of your pieces, but I'm not entirely sure what it's about. Would you mind explaining it to me lol
This choice is passion, this path is tension.
#10
Thanks kdownes, I really appreciate the kind words.

as far as what it's about, a lot of the meaning can be derived from the image of there being a low tide (abundant with beautiful creatures and marine life on the reef). I'll leave it there because I don't want to give too much away but it has to do with a girl I know. Sorry if that didn't clear much up but maybe you'll be able to take something out of it.
here, My Dear, here it is