#1
Poem, but will eventually be a "song". ots c4c

for what it’s worth; I always thought you looked best in green

for what it’s worth I always thought you looked best in green
but tonight in flesh-toned lullabies I’ve dreamed a thousand times
you are just right, a perfect vision of captivated light
the storm outside it might be raging, but inside the fire is burning bright
it’s just you and I together, hand in hand and arms tonight

and I have dreaded for this moment, but longed to taste it one last time
so tonight let’s just be lovers, tomorrow’s nothing but a faint outline
and in the morning we’ll go back to being friends but just tonight,
just let me love you by the fire and let me drink from your rich wine

let’s just throw away our fears, as I move to pull you near
and there is no one else here, just us and we are
everything we need, if not forever just for now, right here
and when the light is breaking we can forget and let our passion fade
again to hide behind our act as friends, a play we’ll act until the end
but tonight it can all bend, or let it break apart and

and I have dreaded for this moment, but God it feels too right to lie
but here I lay beside your body, and I’m drenched in your sweet wine

and I have ached for this moment, so let’s be lovers for tonight
and let the morning be the morning, let’s just celebrate tonight
just let me love you by the fire, pour myself inside you like a wine
in the morning let’s be friends, but god let’s finish this tonight

for what it’s worth I always thought you looked best in green
but tonight in flesh-toned lullabies I’ve screamed a million times
you are just right and you are mine
Last edited by kdownes at Oct 13, 2009,
#2
umm is this country or what?

the storm and fire thing is good imagery but it is imo borderline cliche. it sounds like it could be decent. Ima go do my homeschool work now lol.
#3
I thought that most of this was unnecessary. You didn't say anything new outside of the first stanza and from there it just dragged on. We got it the first time.

I also thought a lot of your images were boring and the type of thing I could shove into the category of "standard/overused." If this is for you, great. If it was supposed to be something I looked at and that, "wow, that was well done" you missed. There was nothing here that was exciting or all that original. I didn't really feel like you took anything to the next level... you settled on par and stuck with it. It'll probably make a decent song; but on the page I thought it was fairly lifeless.
#4
this had such a Dave Matthews vibe to it.
was pretty good. i have to agree with Zanas that it does drag on a bit though.
this one is for you.
Last edited by Ebshabutiee at Oct 13, 2009,
#5
Hmm. I miss reading your actual poetry. As lyrics this is fine, good even. But if you read it as a poem it's definitely lacking, and in the context of poetry I agree with Zachs crit.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#6
C4C linked

Quote by kdownes
Poem, but will eventually be a "song". ots c4c

for what it’s worth; I always thought you looked best in green

for what it’s worth I always thought you looked best in green
but tonight in flesh-toned lullabies I’ve dreamed a thousand times
(you are just right, a perfect vision of captivated light)<-----like this one
the storm outside it might be raging, but inside the fire is burning bright
it’s just you and I together, hand in hand and arms tonight

and I have dreaded for this moment, but longed to taste it one last time
so tonight let’s just be lovers, tomorrow’s nothing but a faint outline
and in the morning we’ll go back to being friends but just tonight,
(just let me love you by the fire and let me drink from your rich wine)<-----this feels a little cheesy

(let’s just throw away our fears, as I move to pull you near)<--so does this
and there is no one else here, just us and we are
everything we need, if not forever just for now, right here
and when the light is breaking we can forget and let our passion fade
again to hide behind our act as friends, a play we’ll act until the end
(but tonight it can all bend, or let it break apart and)<---feels redundant and the rest pretty much does too

and I have dreaded for this moment, but God it feels too right to lie
but here I lay beside your body, and I’m drenched in your sweet wine

and I have ached for this moment, so let’s be lovers for tonight
and let the morning be the morning, let’s just celebrate tonight
just let me love you by the fire, pour myself inside you like a wine
in the morning let’s be friends, but god let’s finish this tonight

for what it’s worth I always thought you looked best in green
but tonight in flesh-toned lullabies I’ve screamed a million times
you are just right and you are mine
#7
i agree with what ganoosh said,
as lyrics they're pretty good i suppose, reading just the words though it just really seems lacking. i much prefer your poetry/stories.