#1
(verse 1)

the time is now, lets raise our fists and hold them in the sky
keep them there in front of there face, till the day we die
they`ll probably think it so stupid, asking many times why?
so raise your voice and tell them straight "cuz the world is on standby!"

(chorus)

WHOA! the wind beneath me lifts me up so high
WHOA! but my wings are clipped, with no chance to fly
WHOA! im falling far to fast, i might as well not try
WHOA! the ground greets me so kindly, guess its time to end my...
LIFE!!!

(verse 2)

we walk up toward the mountain just to get a better view
wondering just what has happening, finding not a clue
face in our hands, crying out now, can all of this be true?
you did so much for us, no to us! what did we do to you?

(chorus)

WHOA! the wind beneath me lifts me up so high
WHOA! but my wings are clipped, with no chance left to fly
WHOA! im falling far to fast, i might as well not try
WHOA! the ground greets me so kindly, guess its time to end my...
LIFE!!!

(bridge)

im fading to the blackness with no light left to see
i thought that this would never happen, an impossibility
but when hearthache, pain and discord come, they usually come in three
so with all of this happening, why do i only feel glee?

(chorus)

WHOA! the wind beneath me lifts me up so high
WHOA! but my wings are clipped, with no chance left to fly
WHOA! im falling far to fast, i might as well not try
WHOA! the ground greets me so kindly, guess its time to end my...

WHOA! the wind beneath me lifts me up so high
WHOA! but my wings are clipped, with no chance left to fly
WHOA! im falling far to fast , i might as well not try
WHOA! the ground greets me so kindly, guess its time to end my...
LIFE!!!

(outro) x4

CLIPPED WINGS!
#2
I am not sure whether or not to like the motif ( in WOAH ) or not. I am not sure whether or not to like this work either.

It would be nice if you fixed up the little grammar things too.

I'm fading to the blackness with no light left to see
I thought that this would never happen, an impossibility
but when hearthache, pain and discord come, they usually come in three
so with all of this happening, why do i only feel glee?

This is my favourite verse. It is very nice and It flows very well.
a little lost.....
#3
I'm in agreement with davo I'd loose the whoa's and the same verse he likes I do aswell its really pretty awesome good work
#4
thx guys. *** grammer things tho may i ask? and i like the whoas lol. there in there cuz every time its said, its for about half a measure then i say the rest of the line. i like the brigde to lol , but i like the chorus the most
#6
Quote by NOTAFOX
(verse 1)

the time is now, lets raise our fists and hold them in the sky
keep them there in front of there face, till the day we die
they`ll probably think it so stupid, asking many times why?
so raise your voice and tell them straight "cuz the world is on standby!"
I think the line "they'll probably think it's so stupid, asking many times why?" disrupts the flow and really discredits this entire verse. Basically you should not even regard what they say if you are not going to care. This shows that what they say is truly in the back of your head. Take it out and talk more of what you will do to them rather than what they will say. It just seems too amateur.
The rest of the verse is OK. I think "in front of their face" is obviously forced to match your beat and forced lyrics are not good. Also, take straight out of the last line of the verse. It is unnecessary and disrupts the flow. I am not a fan of the word "lets" in the first line either.


(chorus)

WHOA! the wind beneath me lifts me up so high
WHOA! but my wings are clipped, with no chance to fly
WHOA! im falling far to fast, i might as well not try
WHOA! the ground greets me so kindly, guess its time to end my...
LIFE!!!
Yeah the WHOAs...they don't work on paper at least...but if that helps your singing or if you can sing them right then I can see it being fine. I like the chorus alot.

(verse 2)

we walk up toward the mountain just to get a better view
wondering just what has happening, finding not a clue
face in our hands, crying out now, can all of this be true?
you did so much for us, no to us! what did we do to you?
This is your worst verse. It is just flat out terrible. The two just's in the first two lines are absolutely unnecessary and destroy the flow of the poem. "Walk up toward the mountain" ??? What does that mean? Are you walking up a mountain or are you walking in the direction of a mountain? And if it is the second one, which is what your grammar says, then why would you walk towards a mountain?
In line 2, "what has happening" makes no sense to me...you either mean "what is happening" or "what has happened". This entire line stinks...I am not a fan of the gerunds (-ing). It just does not work and seems very very forced to fit your given structure.
Line 3 is alright...the gerund actually works here...probably because you say now right after it.
Line 4..."you did so much for us, no to us! what did we do to you?" What does this mean? First of all, "no to us" does not make sense so I will assume you mean "not to us". What are you getting at here? This line and the context of which it is used makes it seem like you are angry at someone who is helping you. Why would you be angry at someone who is helping you?...Also, a bit of a pronoun issue; is "you" referring to the same people as "them" is in the first verse?



(chorus)

WHOA! the wind beneath me lifts me up so high
WHOA! but my wings are clipped, with no chance left to fly
WHOA! im falling far to fast, i might as well not try
WHOA! the ground greets me so kindly, guess its time to end my...
LIFE!!!

(bridge)

im fading to the blackness with no light left to see
i thought that this would never happen, an impossibility
but when hearthache, pain and discord come, they usually come in three
so with all of this happening, why do i only feel glee?
This is your best verse. The only problem is "glee" seems forced but the rest of this verse is good. It shows the potential you have in making a great song out of this.

(chorus)

WHOA! the wind beneath me lifts me up so high
WHOA! but my wings are clipped, with no chance left to fly
WHOA! im falling far to fast, i might as well not try
WHOA! the ground greets me so kindly, guess its time to end my...

WHOA! the wind beneath me lifts me up so high
WHOA! but my wings are clipped, with no chance left to fly
WHOA! im falling far to fast , i might as well not try
WHOA! the ground greets me so kindly, guess its time to end my...
LIFE!!!

(outro) x4

CLIPPED WINGS!



Overall, I did not like it at all. After reading this I left it confused, then after rereading it I became more confused, and then after analyzing it I felt even more confused. It is just not clear enough. Your meaning in this is far too hidden. Also all the grammar problems and forced lyrics...just not good.

Sorry for being harsh, but it is criticism.
Last edited by 21wickwing at Oct 14, 2009,
#7
Quote by NOTAFOX
thx guys. *** grammer things tho may i ask? and i like the whoas lol. there in there cuz every time its said, its for about half a measure then i say the rest of the line. i like the brigde to lol , but i like the chorus the most


You remind me of the guy in my sig. Just the fact that you don't pay any attention to your typing. It's not hard to capitalize I's. Or type " Thanks "
a little lost.....
#8
21wickwing, omg, that is exactly what i have been wanting, some actual crunstructive criticism. everywhere i have been posting lyrics everyone just "good job" or "nice flow" or whatever, i wanted someone to do what you did, so thank you (happy davo? lol) i will work on every thing you said
#9
i changed the 2 verses up completly, take a look

(verse 1)


the hope we feld inside our hearts has all but flown away
up in the sky to choose its own path forever to be free
i wish to join it but instead you keep me locked up hear
in this room of unrelenting, and undying fear

(verse 2)

cash in my pocket, on my own but your never to far
always watching behind a corner, an ally in the dark
i make a move, you make three more to stay ahead of me
to catch me when im off my gaurd, to return from being free

left the bridge and chorus the same. let me know what you think of these new verses
#10
Quote by NOTAFOX
i changed the 2 verses up completly, take a look

(verse 1)


the hope we feld inside our hearts has all but flown away
up in the sky to choose its own path forever to be free
i wish to join it but instead you keep me locked up hear
in this room of unrelenting, and undying fear

(verse 2)

cash in my pocket, on my own but your never to far
always watching behind a corner, an ally in the dark
i make a move, you make three more to stay ahead of me
to catch me when im off my gaurd, to return from being free

left the bridge and chorus the same. let me know what you think of these new verses


Much, much better. But they still need refining. Edit the spelling too. A massive improvement
a little lost.....
#11
lol, I am the sux at spelling lol. hooray! thanks davo, ill work on them and post them again later
There is a saying in poetry, "show me, don't tell me." here you are announcing everything, like an announcer to a sporting event. "Dave has the ball. Dave passes the ball. Dave picks his ass."

~Zanascross

XD epic win
#12
It is better but there are still issues.

Quote by NOTAFOX
i changed the 2 verses up completly, take a look

(verse 1)


the hope we feld (felt) inside our hearts has all but flown away
up in the sky to choose its own path forever to be free
i wish to join it but instead you keep me locked up hear (here)
in this room of unrelenting, (no comma needed here) and undying fear
If the hope has all but flown away, then you are saying it has NOT flown away thus making your next line contradict it. If you take out "but" this will work.

I don't like line 3, it does not have much flow...how about something more like "I would join it if I was not locked up here"...I don't know how to put much more flow into that...it has too many syllables.

line 4 is good


(verse 2)

cash in my pocket, on my own but your never to (too) far
always watching behind a corner, an ally in the dark
i make a move, you make three more to stay ahead of me
to catch me when im (I'm) off my gaurd (guard), to return from being free

This verse is good but I don't dig "of me" at the end of line 3. Perhaps end it at three...it is shorter but still has more flow and is more powerful IMO.

I also don't like "to return from being free". Come to think of it, I am having trouble grasping the last line completely. Are you saying you were free but this person(s) is keeping you from being completely free? When you are about to be free, they catch you and you go back to square 1? I don't exactly know.


left the bridge and chorus the same. let me know what you think of these new verses


This is much better and definitely a lot less problems in this one than your first. It is definitely an upgrade. However there are still a few problems you should work on. A for improvement, B for overall.
#13
ya, got a couple mis-spellings there lol, wasnt paying much attention i guess. kk wick, thanks for the continuing feedback, its really helpful. i will work on the things you said and post them again
There is a saying in poetry, "show me, don't tell me." here you are announcing everything, like an announcer to a sporting event. "Dave has the ball. Dave passes the ball. Dave picks his ass."

~Zanascross

XD epic win
#14
(verse 1)

the hope we felt inside our hearts has all flown away
up in the sky to choose its own path forever to be free
I wish to join it but instead you keep me locked up here
in this room of unrelenting and undying fear


(verse 2)

cash in my pocket, on my own but your never too far
always watching behind a corner, an ally in the dark
I make a move, you make three more to stay ahead of me
I watched my back but you caught up, I try so hard to flee


i kept the 3rd line in the first verse because this is a fast paced punky song, kinda like Brick by Rise Against. i prob should of mentioned that before lol, so in my head it works out fine even though there are more syllabels. so let me know what you think of the few changes i made this time
There is a saying in poetry, "show me, don't tell me." here you are announcing everything, like an announcer to a sporting event. "Dave has the ball. Dave passes the ball. Dave picks his ass."

~Zanascross

XD epic win
#15
posting the revised verses with my original version on sharemylyrics.com
There is a saying in poetry, "show me, don't tell me." here you are announcing everything, like an announcer to a sporting event. "Dave has the ball. Dave passes the ball. Dave picks his ass."

~Zanascross

XD epic win