#1
Sorry for this

Trapped in a non existant world,
Dreams flow endlessly away.
Fake storys penetrate the mind,
Caskets wait for the death of you.
No memories to be held of this.

Lied to the rest to survive,
When there was no need.
The destiny's in the sky,
and I've failed my aim.

Won't handle this parvenu,
If i knew by now
We'd be in the cold,
I'd have turned the other way.

Fake relationships rise,
Days draw to an end.
With the fire out,
the smoke remains
and clouds the way.
I guess all we can do
Is apologize.


*A bit short but hope you enjoy and thanks for checking it out
They made me do push ups in drag

I'm gonna have a really hard time if we're both cannibals and racists.

Don't dress as a whore, he'll thump you.

I'm a firework, primed to go off
#2
Quote by padgea7x
Sorry for this

Trapped in a non existant world,
Dreams flow endlessly away.
Fake storys penetrate the mind,
Caskets wait for the death of you.
No memories to be held of this.

Trapped in a non existant world is very cliche sentence, but seems nessesary in the context. Fake storys penetrate the mind is a very clever sentence. I like it, a lot.

Lied to the rest to survive,
When there was no need.
The destiny's in the sky,
and I've failed my aim.

I am not quite sure about the last line, but it's up to you. Just my personal preference. This stanza is good.

Won't handle this parvenu,
If i knew by now
We'd be in the cold,
I'd have turned the other way.

This stanza is fine, nothing special, nothing bad. A solid stanza.

Fake relationships rise,
Days draw to an end.
With the fire out,
the smoke remains
and clouds the way.
I guess all we can do
Is apologize.


Love this verse. My favourite by leaps and bounds. The bolded lines are my favourite of the stanza. I guess all we can do is apologize is an alright line to finish it off, however I am sure you could choose one with more of an impact.

*A bit short but hope you enjoy and thanks for checking it out


Hope you like the crit.
a little lost.....
#3
Quote by Davo Ownz
Hope you like the crit.



Yeah it's great! Thanks for the crit.


And the ones that you pointed out that could be improved I agree with, I wasn't sure about writing those parts but they were all i had at the time. I'd try and change them, but i'm afraid that i'll totally ruin it.
They made me do push ups in drag

I'm gonna have a really hard time if we're both cannibals and racists.

Don't dress as a whore, he'll thump you.

I'm a firework, primed to go off
#4
Just save this copy - there's always this copy to fall back on, just experiment with it until you find what you like.
a little lost.....