#1
(simple)
bark bending, breaks.
blissful colors capturing
depth as each moment
synapses; forming perfect
bonds between the trees
and the ground.
soil brings life
as falling leaves
leave it to drown.

perpetuation of the perplexed individual
with a Canon SLR snapping beautiful
pictures of the baby pumpkins in the patch,
or the child dancing around the crow scared by
the scary cat.

archfiends and caramel freaks begging for
tricks and treats and then onwards
marching to the feast of feasts.
by now the powder on the ground collects,
and creates the first time in a long time
where sledding is more than exceptable.

one last piece on the fire
one last piece passed around.
and then we will fall asleep
our pillows; the leaves.
our beds; the ground.
this one is for you.
Last edited by Ebshabutiee at Oct 13, 2009,
#2
There are a couple commas I don't agree with, including both of them in the first stanza. They just kind of unnecessarily break up a flow and seem like odd places to stop. The first brake, I'm pretty sure you mean "break". I would also take out the SLR when talking about the camera.

But that's just nitpicky stuff. As a whole, I liked this piece. Great imagery, and the last stanza was great as well.

Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#3
fixed the commas, i agree those were dumb on my part. also fixed the Break-brake mix up
I am keeping the SLR; it works with the flow that i have in mind for this piece. But, I understand how it could seem unnecessary.

as always, Thanks.
this one is for you.
#4
I liked this. I thought it had a lot of strong imagery and i liked how you transitioned throughout the whole season of autumn into winter.
nice :0)
If I don't meet you no more in this world, I'll meet you in the next one and dont be late.

JWU Baking and Pastry '13
#5
The title really suits this. It's very tender in it's simplicity. I really like (though I serious doubt this was intentional, if it was, you're a God) how the first stanza moves through b words, then c words, all the way through to g. It really created this flow that was lovely.
#7
I like it accept SLR needs to be removed make it something like ""canon blasts snapping beautiful" or something
#9
the rhythm is nice, you seem to have a good sense of structure and spacing. pretty good overall. I don't have much to say really.
#10
Quote by Ebshabutiee
(simple)
bark bending, breaks.
blissful colors capturing
depth as each moment
synapses; forming perfect
bonds between the trees
and the ground.
soil brings life
as falling leaves
leave it to drown.


Well written. I especially like the final three lines.

perpetuation of the perplexed individual
with a Canon SLR snapping beautiful
pictures of the baby pumpkins in the patch,
or the child dancing around the crow scared by
the scary cat.

I'm not sure what it is about this stanza, but this is the only one that I don't really like too much. It probably is the 'Canon SLR' that throws it off for me. I think if you can find another way to mention that, it will be another good one. Maybe 'with my eyes snapping beautiful' or something of the sort. Make it more into a mental image.

archfiends and caramel freaks begging for
tricks and treats and then onwards
marching to the feast of feasts.
by now the powder on the ground collects,
and creates the first time in a long time
where sledding is more than exceptable.

one last piece on the fire
one last piece passed around.
and then we will fall asleep
our pillows; the leaves.
our beds; the ground.


As the first stanza, I like the last two as well. I don't see anything that really needs change over here. I really like the way you ended it as well. The two word phrases have a great flow.


Pretty much as I outlines without the quotes. I like it but the 'Canon SLR' mention in the second stanza actually ruins that stanza for me. The flow and rhyme overall go very well. Not really anything negative to say though!
Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.

C4C - Songwriting and Lyrics

- Hung Up on You -
- Apathy Unending -
#11
Absolutely beautiful. I loved it. Beautiful imagery and fantastic use of language.

There's not really much I can say. I'm not impartial to the "SLR" but it doesn't have to go, it's a great poem either way.

Especially the way you moved through b-g in the first stanza, just reading it feels good when you notice it.

Only thing I can say really is I think you mean "acceptable" when you say "exceptable"?
#12
i think the SLR line is effective; it bridges the gap between nature and society, which seems to be a recurring theme of sorts, especially in the last stanza.
#13
Breakin it down>>>

"as falling leaves
leave it to drown
"

^^well played with words plus the imagery!!! props!

"perpetuation of the perplexed individual"

^^i really liked the start coz it consisted of simple words havin deep meanin
(as per the title) but it went kinda weird with this line. Highlighted "heavy" words were not necessary and kinda ruins it for me

"or the child dancing around the crow scared by
the scary cat."

^^weird imagery!


"one last piece on the fire
one last piece passed around.
and then we will fall asleep
our pillows; the leaves.
our beds; the ground."


^^now THATS an outro!!! Well written!!

Great Job overall!
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C4C-- Saline Tears
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1217438