#1
Okay for those who noticed...I did just post a song but I don't like that one so I deleted that and am posting this one (I don't think there are any problems it was only up for like 5 minutes and I wrote this after and like it better, no reviews were made)

The tears flood to the floor
I watch the puddle grow
A small little ocean
Born from sorrow

My tears hold too many stories
Your hardships, your damage
Your ruthless harassment
And all the sanity ravaged

My tears flow endlessly
Into the depths of my pool
Unending, Unnumbered
And strikingly cruel

My unnumbered tears shall never end
#2
a little emo don't you think?

add some sunshine. or blood. unless you want your fans to be crybabies.

edit: i AM critiquing harshly
If a mortal stands before us
Strike him down with sleight of hand.
And if heaven rides against us
Then God himself must be damned.


Computer Science major! Apple enthusiast!
I wear Vibrams and type with Dvorak!
Last edited by GODhimself37 at Oct 14, 2009,
#4
Well first off it seems short for a song if that's what this is going to be and it totally sounds EMO sorry not trying to be harsh but that's how it struck me.
#5
Quote by Captain Capo
Well first off it seems short for a song if that's what this is going to be and it totally sounds EMO sorry not trying to be harsh but that's how it struck me.



be as harsh as you want. he asks for it lol.
If a mortal stands before us
Strike him down with sleight of hand.
And if heaven rides against us
Then God himself must be damned.


Computer Science major! Apple enthusiast!
I wear Vibrams and type with Dvorak!
#6
Haha it does sound a bit emo I won't lie...I just thought Unnumbered Tears would be a good title and wrote a song to accompany it. But I admit this does sound emo. Thanks for the crit. I like when people point out my errors...it makes me better next time around.

As for the length I don't feel length matters...There is a Pink Floyd song with only one line in it...I never worry about length when writing songs...it can be a page long or a line.
#7
The tears flood to the floor
I watch the puddle grow
A small little ocean
Born from sorrow
Good beginning. A little EMO for my taste, but I'll go with it. It has Imagery that seems to work well. And the story can lead to a lot of places
My tears hold too many stories
Your hardships, your damage
Your ruthless harassment
And all the sanity ravaged
Rather than, "My tears hold too may stories," try, "The many stories my tears tell." This sounds better because in poetry you usually use the Passive sentence structure instead of the Active sentence structure. Active sentences have the noun giving the action before the verb, or action; in poetry we try to use Passive sentences because it has the noun recieving the action before the verb, before the noun giving the verb. For example: we would normally say, "John kicked the ball." But in when we say it 'Passively' we would say, "The ball was kicked by John." You see, It add a little more interest in the read, and add some extra syllables when needed.
The words 'harassmen,' and 'ravaged,' are very good when showing off your vocabulary, but in poetry we want to use words that flow beautifully from our lips. Instead of 'harassment,' try 'vexation.' Instead of 'ravaged,' just use 'broken.' Those words seem to sound better to me, but it is a personal preference so use what words sound best to you, because this is your poem.

My tears flow endlessly
Into the depths of my pool
Unending, Unnumbered
And strikingly cruel
Last stanza seem fine to me.
Just work on those things I showed you and a lot of your stuff would sound better. Use more imagery everyone can relate with, use easier flowing wording, and try to talk using more Passive sentence structures. Keep on Writing
Comments or Suggestions
Omit or Change
Suggested Changes


I am the 24 Wild Rovers
If You Wish to Give C4C Click on the Smlileys
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#8
also 3 verses is really short. and copy/paste in songs shows lack of talent and creativeness. add on too it
If a mortal stands before us
Strike him down with sleight of hand.
And if heaven rides against us
Then God himself must be damned.


Computer Science major! Apple enthusiast!
I wear Vibrams and type with Dvorak!
#9
Quote by 21wickwing

My tears flow endlessly
...
Unending, Unnumbered
...


Those two lines stick out to me. So simple yet so telling.
Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.

C4C - Songwriting and Lyrics

- Hung Up on You -
- Apathy Unending -
#10
I must say, I was doing this with only my skills. Usually I right songs that I feel but this one I did not feel at all. I posted it more out of principle than anything. This song was solely made to fit a title I thought would be great. Again, with the length. I do not care if it is 2 pages long or 2 lines long...a poem is a poem no matter how small. I end my poems when I feel the end. I don't focus on length, I feel like that is an amateur way to approach poetry.

However I agree that verse 2 needs alot of revamping and verse 1 needs slight revamping. This was not a song that I focused on and the finished product is not as good as I could have made this. I wrote this in about a minute and never proofread it. It was just another excercise for me. Lately I have been forcing my lyrics though and that is not good. I think Heaven's Ring will be my last song for a while...until I can write lyrics with a new mindset. I was thinking about writing about snow (because it is snowing) so that is a heads up on my next song (will be written when I can feel it).