#1
Recently i'm questioning my song/poem writing and would like some honest opinions, thoughts, crits, etc. on this "piece".

EDIT: Theres a second version following this. I'd like to know which you the reader prefers.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

I guess it could be titled 'away'.

away is the place i wish to stay
somewhere far from blame
at least that was the plan
away is reservation for my rainy days
earth beneath the shade
shelter from the pain
away is the sunsets shade of gray
the tones between the fade
dust among the sand

when will it all go away
these feelings that i've restrained
these feelings i've watched degrade
deals we've made in disgrace

here was the place i tend to fear
reason before the tear
that is why i ran
here was once my favoured season
now shunned without reason
cannot please them
here was the silver on the cloud
was once bravest and the proud
fate has reclaimed its crown

when will it all go away
these lies that i've restrained
will it ever go away
the deceit i've watched degrade

--------------------------------------------------------------------


Here's a newer version(originally posted oct. 20th/09),
just made it more songish...

away is the place i wish to stay
somewhere far from blame
at least that was the plan
it is not where i stand
away is reservation for my rainy days
earth beneath the shade
shelter from the pain
alternate to the dismay
away is the sunsets shade of gray
the tones between the fade
dust among the sand
sifting through my hand

when will it all go away
these feelings that i've restrained
these feelings i've watched decay
deals we've made in disgrace

here was the place i tend to fear
reason before the tear
that is why i ran
disheartened with a glance
here was once my favoured season
now shunned without reason
my key feelings condemned
just cannot please them
here was the silver on the cloud
was once bravest and the proud
fate has reclaimed its crown
to my disgrace i shall dismount

when will it all go away
these lies that i've restrained
will it ever go away
the deceit i've watched degrade

--------------------------------------------------------------------

©Daniel C. Bourke 2009.
"yeah, well, you know...


that's just like... your opinion man."


-The Dude, His Dudeness
Last edited by daniel c b at Oct 20, 2009,
#2
I don't really think that would make a good song; however, it makes a pretty decent poem.
Quote by aldo47
(i thought hot strings would make me finger faster.)
so i tried to set my strings on fire by putting a lighter on the high e string n it cut it so wtf??!!? i passed the lighter rrly slowly by it for less then a sec n then it snapped...
#3
what about the structure? what did you think of the actual words in the piece, did they have any meaning to you in anyway what did you think of it?

any other opinions? i'd like to hear please
"yeah, well, you know...


that's just like... your opinion man."


-The Dude, His Dudeness
#4
I think you have great potential as a song writer. I mean look at these ass clowns making millions of dollars per year with lyrics that amount to **** if they can do it it so can you never tell yourself your talents aren't good enough who cares if you dont make sense to me as long as it makes sense to you. This is the type of thinking that has ****ed our country. Please don't contribute to the trained incapacity that is so prevailent in our world.
#5
not quite neil pert but..
nice
defiantly has potential
Survivor of:
Maryland Deathfest X
Maryland Deathfest XI
Maryland Deathfest XII
#6
Thanks for your input.

Anyone else have opinions on this? Such as the way its put together, what your overall opinion of it and its contents etc.
"yeah, well, you know...


that's just like... your opinion man."


-The Dude, His Dudeness
#7
I thought It was really well put together. When I was reading it, I could feel the flow right away and liked that cause that's hard to find these days. Most people force rhymes but this was well thought out.

"here was the silver on the cloud
was once bravest and the proud
fate has reclaimed its crown" <--- Favorite

The only way you can judge if your a good writer is if you get the same feeling when you were writing it, when you read it. We all have our own tastes, you can base your talents on us.
#8
It's pretty good. To me it sounds more like a poem than a song but i still liked it.
#10
(bump)
how do you interpret the 2 versions?
"yeah, well, you know...


that's just like... your opinion man."


-The Dude, His Dudeness