#1
ask, and ye shall receive. still stretching the old poetry muscles. ots c4c

self portrait in rose

i've got my glasses on again, remember:

touch
want to touch
actual want, to touch
actual need
a first, no doubt there
to touch, want and need
to hold and kiss and love and f[b][/b][/i]uck
and touch

taste
hypnotic taste
real taste, like sweat and c[b][i][/i]um
and sweet juice, taste
in the back of your mouth

smell
intoxicating smell
or rose and fruit and mystery
filling the air with deep desire
to touch and taste and love
and f[b][i][/b][/i]uck and kiss

sound
cataclysm of sound
morphed harmonies and foreign exotic
melodies, symphonic deceit

see
self portrait in rose
coarse sand but soft tide
and your sweet smile and taste
mine;
to hold and love and touch and smell
and f[b][i][/b][/i]uck and tease and taste and

see
you always looked so damn good in red
#2
self portrait in rose

i've got my glasses on again, remember:

touch
want to touch
actual want, to touch
actual need
a first, no doubt there
to touch, want and need
to hold and kiss and love and fuck
and touch
If anything I would try to reevaluate linebreaks and punctuation. They can be a bit jittery in this first stanza. personally I would add a comma here: "love and ****, and touch."

taste
hypnotic taste
real taste, like sweat and cum
and sweet juice, taste
in the back of your mouth
here the repetition of the subject seemed to hurt itself. By the third taste it really felt like you were trying to squeeze as many 'tastes' in there as possible.

smell
intoxicating smell
orof rose and fruit and mystery
filling the air with deep desire
to touch and taste and love
and fuck and kiss
This stanza started off strong, although i would consider removing the first 'and' in between rose and fruit. The last two lines seemed rush though, it felt like you just threw those words at me with out any warning.

sound
cataclysm of sound
morphed harmonies and foreign exotic
melodies, symphonic deceit

see
self portrait in rose
coarse sand but soft tide
and your sweet smile and taste
mine;
to hold and love and touch and smell
and fuck and tease and taste and

see
you always looked so damn good in red
Now with these last two stanzas that quick out burst of words in the previous stanza work. I really loved what you did here.


Bravo, you are brushing off all the old poetry muscles and they are shining quite nicely.
(this piece is about me isn't it, )

newest piece pleeaseeee
this one is for you.
#5
If you could make the first two like the last three, it'd be flawless. It just felt like you put more effort into the last ones, but still, it was a very unique and very well-written piece.
#6
Yay!

The first see stanza I like a lot. Well, a lot of them I like a lot.

Very very nice.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black