#1
(verse 1)

flames start burning
heads start turning
hello everyone
under the sun

the night will come soon
the darkness will loom
break out your flashlights
this will be a long night

(chorus)

so lay your head down now to sleep
and sleep to dream, to dream
the sandman hears your desperate crys
so rest now, close your tired eyes

(verse 2)

the world itsleeps
alarm clock still beeps
but your still awake
your happy face fake

go through the motions
swim through these oceans
lay there just breathing
times never leaving

(chorus)

so lay your head down now to sleep
and sleep to dream, to dream
the sandman hears your desperate crys
so rest now, close your tired eyes

(bridge)

these tired eyes are closed but these tired eyes see through
these lies planted upon your heart intent to only hurt you
so open up those tired eyes and then you`ll finally see
I`ll help bring you out of this pain forever to be free

(outro chorus)

so lay your head down now to sleep
and sleep to dream, to dream
the sandman hears your desperate crys
so rest now, close your tired eyes

no reason left to yell out now
no reason left to scream
the sandman hears my desperate crys
but will not close my tired eyes
#2
I would like to hear the music which makes it hard to judge

"the world itsleeps
alarm clock still beeps
but your still awake
your happy face fake

go through the motions
swim through these oceans
lay there just breathing
times never leaving"

I like this part though it seems like something all of us blue collar robots can relate too. which IMO is really good for a song.
#3
I agree Capo, this work is very hard to judge whether it would actually work or not. Overall an improvement from your last work.

Be sure not to force lyrics to make a rhyme. It's better to spend a few more minutes refining the line and thinking of a line that wont sound so forced.


Crit my first work? No doubt - the story of a city.

edit: A verse that sounds way to forced is :

go through the motions
swim through these oceans
lay there just breathing
times never leaving"
a little lost.....
Last edited by Davo Ownz at Oct 14, 2009,
#4
thanks for the feedback guess. davo, ill take a look at your song sometime soon