#1
Inspired by these. Specifically the last 2 minutes of the first part through the end of part 2. If you only listen to one part, listen to part 2 all the way through. God its gorgeous.
March into the Sea by Pelican
Part 1
Part 2





This picnic table isn't very comfortable,
but this view is fantastic.
The reds and blues of sky,
fading to dancing flames and ire.
I hear music in my head,
the soundtrack to the swallowing of nations:
children's voices, grumbles of sinister sisters,
the bellowing of old men who've lived to long.
Gnashing teeth add percussion as
dying boars sing lead.
A perfect accompaniment to
a swelling Earth.
Soil rips;
forming gorges out of grass
and expanding into emptiness,
tasting trees and flesh.

The sun is splintering,
adding brush strokes to an
atmospheric backdrop.
The crescendo is coming;
apocalyptic strings with an overtone of brass
come crashing upon me.
My point of view is vibrating
to the frequency of the song.
The canyons are growing towards me
as the crescendo drops to static.
To silence.
To beauty.
#2
I'm usually about as jaded as it gets when it comes to reading lyrics but I think this is actually good. Great imagery.

Pelican is amazing. If you're into that kind of instrumental/post rock you should check out Red Sparowes too.
#3
I like it a lot. it has an excellent flow to it. "Gnashing teeth add percussion and dying boars sing lead" is a fantastic line.
R.I.P. Dime Bag Darrell!
member#13 of the official lindsay lohan fan club
Member #20 of the Nirvana Fan Club
#4
was quiet stunning how you captured the actual mood of the song with your words. I am not necessarily a fan of the style of music, but it added background to what you wrote.
this one is for you.
#5
I like it alot...it took me a few reads to fully grasp it but the second verse is a very beautiful verse and I love h ow you used crescendo because it is a beautiful word.

The first verse is good too...not as good as the second but still very good...I usually love to critique harshly and I believe this entire critique is a pointless one but I just had to tell you how good this was.

Grade: A-
#6
The imagery in this piece is lovely. I really enjoyed reading this; your vocabulary and how you've placed the words are so enjoyable to say.
I particularly enjoyed the second verse and the way it builds up ('The crescendo is coming') to the last two lines, which are short, but have quite an impact.

I don't think I have a bad word to say about this, I genuinely really enjoyed reading it.
let these flat chords just break your heart...
#7
You can tell when a piece is inspired by a good piece of music. And this worked. I read it once by itself, then again actually listening to this piece. Gave it a whole new level. Bravo, Zach, your last few pieces have been wonderful.
#8
My biggest complaint about this is that it feels like nothing is really happening in it. You've described everything excellently, and I can picture myself there, but I'd rather drive a nice car than just look at it. That's what this felt like, like I was standing there looking, maybe even waiting for something to happen, but it didn't and I wasn't taken anywhere. I know your choice of descriptives are making a statement of their own, but in the end I didn't feel swayed by it, I was still looking and waiting.

That being said this was a very easy and appeasing read, especially with the musical accompaniment, but I didn't get much more out of it than that.

Unless I'm completely missing something, which has happened before.

#9
I agree that nothing is happening, and that's a little disappointing, but it's offset by the fact that you made the words go so well with the song. I listened to it while reading them, and it honestly felt like the song was written to go with the words.

Not much depth, but good nonetheless. I like this.

Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#10
oh my.
I, myself, have come to the conclusion that 'this' is happening.
Which is all that needs to occur.
Promises meant a lot back then.
#11
Quote by ninja monkey
oh my.
I, myself, have come to the conclusion that 'this' is happening.
Which is all that needs to occur.



That's the feeling I was going for.

I've been away for the weekend, if you would like me to look over anything in the next week, please drop me a link.

#12
Oh man, been a while since I've been around here...how ya been, bro?

I dig this, I like the imagery & overall tone of the piece but I think it would sound better slightly less verbose and a few parts changed around...


The sun is splintering - the splintering sun

adding brush strokes - adds brush strokes

The crescendo is coming; - i don't like the wording of that at all. a crescendo is supposed to feel like one, and it doesn't feel like a crescendo. maybe "the coming crescendo" or better yet, use another word here...to make it seem more dark and better fit the tone of the piece, such as "impending crescendo" or "approaching crescendo"

apocalyptic strings with an overtone of brass - "apocalyptic strings with overtones of brass" (maybe add a description of the brass...like the strings are apocalyptic, what about the brass?)

My point of view is vibrating - My point of view vibrating OR My point of view vibrates(makes it feel more in the moment, more alive)

to the frequency of the song. - to the frequencies of the song. (another slight difference but i think an important one. a piece of music has many frequencies. it is this overlapping of frequencies that makes it special and gives it flavor. also, i'm not a big fan of the word song. is there another way you can call this? or at least use a badass adjective to describe the song. I mean, "baby, one more time" is also a song, right? what kind of song is this...what word can you use to describe and summerize this piece of music? something to fit "the swallowing of nations")

The canyons are growing towards me - The canyons grow towards me (another small change that makes it feel more in the moment)

...

so yeah, i think this does indeed compliment the tune nicely. whether you take my advice or not, this is a solid piece. i just think it'd be better my way, but that's just me!

i might post something soon. or maybe i'll just dissapear again. only time will tell...
Last edited by Guns N Russians at Nov 6, 2009,