#1
This is my first post here, and the first time i've written a song without writing the music at the same time so it may not flow particularly well, so i'm hoping I could get some help there!
Hope you enjoy!
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You've malicious intent,
hidden by a disguise of vulnerability,
where no one else can see you tearing down these walls; it's so sublime,
we've got these brittle wires crossed and we're headed for world war three,
and with your fingers in your ears, I'll be lucky if you can hear me scream.

Your twisted thoughts of manipulation resonate off these broken walls,
'til we can stand no more -we fall with exasperation,
and we give you our room to breathe, (you can take our room to breathe),
you're holding on for that dying breath to escape our lungs.

and I could choke on your words,
your bitter syllables.

We sit alone in a crowded room where you watch with sadistic eyes,
the devil dancing right by your side,
to the rhythm of your heart, to the tempo of your lies,
and the laughter, the chaos, the light hearted conversation disperses,
and it's just you and me,
in this godforsaken destination,
where you watch the angels weep.

And your bloody grip tightens-
I can barely breathe.

A perfect skin, tailored to your worst intentions,
stretched over that phony grin:
You've malicious intent,
hidden by a disguise of vulnerability,
where no one else can see you tearing down these walls; it's so divine.
let these flat chords just break your heart...
#2
Sorry, I don't have enough time for a full crit at the moment, but as a whole this piece is nice. I will get back to you for a full crit.

In the mean time, can you please crit my "No doubt" piece?
Thanks
a little lost.....
#3
I think this is a cracking read and I'm thoroughly enjoying deciphering it.
Although, I can't seem to get my head around "you've malicious intent" - it's baffling me - in a good way, I suppose.

I didn't like "brittle" - I didn't feel it was necessary. It's like you're using every ounce of space to be as descriptive as you can, when you may not need to.

That is one thing I noticed: you need to allow your piece to breathe more. Your line-breaks are effective, and so are your parapraphing, but the way you use very rhythmical words really adds detail and depth, maybe a little too much of it.
I realise that it's a song, but having such a complicated "bounce" can stop the reading really getting into the basic groove - which is, in my opinion, more important than the outward pacing.

Really nice read.
#4
Quote by AngryGoldfish
I think this is a cracking read and I'm thoroughly enjoying deciphering it.
Although, I can't seem to get my head around "you've malicious intent" - it's baffling me - in a good way, I suppose.

I didn't like "brittle" - I didn't feel it was necessary. It's like you're using every ounce of space to be as descriptive as you can, when you may not need to.

That is one thing I noticed: you need to allow your piece to breathe more. Your line-breaks are effective, and so are your parapraphing, but the way you use very rhythmical words really adds detail and depth, maybe a little too much of it.
I realise that it's a song, but having such a complicated "bounce" can stop the reading really getting into the basic groove - which is, in my opinion, more important than the outward pacing.

Really nice read.


Thankyou! I really appreciate you comments!

The you've is standing for 'you have', but I just thought it sounded better shortened
I do understand you about the 'brittle' -I was um-ing and ah-ing over that for ages! I think that it reads better without it

Thanks again

Is there anything of yours you'd like me to crit?
let these flat chords just break your heart...
#5
Nah, it's alright. That was a free-be. I genuinely liked the piece so I wanted to say something.

Thanks, though.

I'm actually not a big fan of the title now that I know what it's supposed to be said like.
#6
Ok then -thanks

Yeah, I couldn't really think of anything else to call it! Perhaps just, 'Malicious Intent'?

Usually, I end up giving the songs totally irrelevant titles, but seeing as I was sharing this one, I thought i'd give it something that actually relates to the song haha!
let these flat chords just break your heart...
#7
This is good, I enjoyed reading it.
My only complaint might be that despite it's descriptive language, its still kind of vague. But that's not necessarily a bad thing.
It's kind of hard for me to imagine it being sung though. What style of music would it be?

edit: You've Malicious Intent works fine as a title.
I want Super Saiyan abilities
Last edited by rebelmidget at Oct 22, 2009,
#8
^ Thankyou
If it helps, the idea behind it is how someone I know can be so horrible, but I still listen to them, help them; basically being a bit of a mug. But to everyone else, they're an angel!
It's kind of an exaggeration of the truth.

I'd say punk, but it's not your generic punk song. Fast and perhaps slightly aggressive, but melodic?
let these flat chords just break your heart...
Last edited by soph_bassist! at Oct 22, 2009,
#9
Alright, Good Piece. I just think it might be a little cliche, but hey Cliche sells records these days i like it alot.

"We sit alone in a crowded room where you watch with sadistic eyes,
the devil dancing right by your side,
to the rhythm of your heart, to the tempo of your lies,
and the laughter, the chaos, the light hearted conversation disperses,
and it's just you and me,
in this godforsaken destination,
where you watch the angels weep."

This section right here is no doubt the ****ing bomb of the piece i absolutely loved it.