#1
We're there at that hand in hand stage,
It's early days; still early weeks,
But should I make those future plans or,
Does my lack of spontaneity,
Make you laugh?

This will get hard.
I just fret; you know that,
But I delt myself fifteen decks and,
To start again,
It's not on the cards.

Is this the start of something more?

I'm not sure of what I'm supposed to do,
Just don't make me give this up too soon.
My old man once told me,
When it happens then you know,
But I'm still nursing these cold feet on hot coal.

We're there at that hand in hand stage,
It's early days; still early weeks,
We should make a few future plans because,
Your punctuality,
Just makes me laugh.

So don't make this worse.
I'm still here; you're right there,
I'll always remember the promise but,
It's hard enough,
As it is.

Is this the start of something more?

I'm not sure of what I'm supposed to do,
Just don't make me give this up too soon.
My old man once told me,
When it happens then you know,
But I'm still nursing these cold feet on hot coal.

So in a few years if you see me,
Walking in the Yorkshire rain,
You'd throw smile back at mine,
& I'd still remember that time.
#2
We're there at that hand in hand stage,
It's early days; still early weeks,
But should I make those future plans or,
Does my lack of spontaneity,
Make you laugh?


Three great lines right there. I am also a fan of a question in the first stanza when possible. The assimilation in the first line is also very clever.

This will get hard.
I just fret; you know that,
But I delt myself fifteen decks and,
To start again,
It's not on the cards.

A solid stanza. Not great but definitely well written.


Is this the start of something more?

I'm not sure of what I'm supposed to do,
Just don't make me give this up too soon.
My old man once told me,
When it happens then you know,
But I'm still nursing these cold feet on hot coal.

Wow, an amazing stanza, summarized by my favourite line in the whole work!
A wonderful stanza.


We're there at that hand in hand stage,
It's early days; still early weeks,
We should make a few future plans because,
Your punctuality,
Just makes me laugh.


Necessary in the context and pretty well written.


So don't make this worse.
I'm still here; you're right there,
I'll always remember the promise but,
It's hard enough,
As it is.

A great,solid stanza, and the following questions leads me perfectly to the next.

Is this the start of something more?

I'm not sure of what I'm supposed to do,
Just don't make me give this up too soon.
My old man once told me,
When it happens then you know,
But I'm still nursing these cold feet on hot coal.

So in a few years if you see me,
Walking in the Yorkshire rain,
You'd throw smile back at mine,
& I'd still remember that time.

A solid ending to a wonderful piece.

Crit my latest piece if you have the time.
a little lost.....
Last edited by Davo Ownz at Oct 14, 2009,
#3
I really liked this, but the capitalization at the beginning of every line and the commas at the end were annoying. The capitalization is just personal preference, but when a comma is where it doesn't belong, it actually breaks the flow (for instance in the first stanza, it reads "Does my lack of spontaneity, make you laugh?" There isn't supposed to be a comma there and it just kinda screws with the flow in my mind). All that said... I really did enjoy this. It was a little vague at times and there wasn't much in the way of imagery to paint a picture (I like pictures >.> I still liked this quite a bit. Job well done.
#4
Quote by theoneandonlyq
I really liked this, but the capitalization at the beginning of every line and the commas at the end were annoying. The capitalization is just personal preference, but when a comma is where it doesn't belong, it actually breaks the flow (for instance in the first stanza, it reads "Does my lack of spontaneity, make you laugh?" There isn't supposed to be a comma there and it just kinda screws with the flow in my mind). All that said... I really did enjoy this. It was a little vague at times and there wasn't much in the way of imagery to paint a picture (I like pictures >.> I still liked this quite a bit. Job well done.


Yeah, pretty much,
a little lost.....
#6
Quote by Rascal_King
We're there at that hand in hand stage,
It's early days; still early weeks,
But should I make those future plans or,
Does my lack of spontaneity,
Make you laugh?

I like the premise of this although I don't find the last line to fit. Nor do I the 'hand in hand' much.

This will get hard.
I just fret; you know that,
But I delt myself fifteen decks and,
To start again,
It's not on the cards.

It flowed well for me until the last line. Doesn't really... make much sense to me [?]

Is this the start of something more?

I'm not sure of what I'm supposed to do,
Just don't make me give this up too soon.
My old man once told me,
When it happens then you know,
But I'm still nursing these cold feet on hot coal.

As said above, this is a great stanza. And the last line really seals it.

We're there at that hand in hand stage,
It's early days; still early weeks,
We should make a few future plans because,
Your punctuality,
Just makes me laugh.

Again, I'm not a fan of the 'hand in hand' wording as well as the 'Just makes me laugh'.

So don't make this worse.
I'm still here; you're right there,
I'll always remember the promise but,
It's hard enough,
As it is.

Is this the start of something more?

I'm not sure of what I'm supposed to do,
Just don't make me give this up too soon.
My old man once told me,
When it happens then you know,
But I'm still nursing these cold feet on hot coal.

So in a few years if you see me,
Walking in the Yorkshire rain,
You'd throw smile back at mine,
& I'd still remember that time.


The section in blue, I think reads and flows very well. The question in the middle works well too.



Overall I like this quite a bit. Some lines I wasn't so fond of but overall, nice work!
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