#1
this is a piece i had been working on for a little white now. It's kinda hard to tell exactly what it's about but after reading it you should get the idea haha constructive criticism is always more than welcome =]

each line is one count, i figure if i write it like that it'll help get a rhythm

Verse 1

The way that you look at me
The way that you touch me
has me feeling
so helpless
The way that you look tonight
The way that you taste
how could this
be avoided
You're smiling and gleaming
You're shining so brightly
it's too bad this had
to happen
You were killing me softly
Ever so softly
i thought i'd
return the favor

Chorus

It's romantic yet tragic
the way that your hand
fits in mine
[there's a rest here for a whole count]
(repeat one more time)

Verse 2

A notch on your bedpost
is how you remember me
oh how i know
we had fun
The look in your eyes is
Driving me crazy
how can you sit there
and smile
Pathetic and broken
is what you're becoming
trust me dear
you had this coming
You were killing me softly
ever so softly
i though i'd
return the favor

Repeat the chorus

Bridge

How could i have been so blind
waiting, wasting all this time
i should have known
you wouldn't come around
I went down but i kept breathing
and you know how we do
what doesn't kill us
only makes us stronger
And the sad part is i'd do this again
but this time i would make you pay
my fake laughs and smiles
and be the end of you
Then after all is said and done
after you've had all your fun
you'll be pathetic and broken
i'm not sorry

Ending Chorus/Outro

it's romantic yet tragic
the way that our hands fit
the way that your world
is coming down
I'm not sorry
I'm so sorry
should I be sorry
after all, romantic tragedies happen
i'm not sorry (end the outro with this line)
#3
i love it. but the bridge is kinda boring, and the chorus is REALLY short. other than that though, bravo dude.
If a mortal stands before us
Strike him down with sleight of hand.
And if heaven rides against us
Then God himself must be damned.


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#4
umm no i have not read twilight haha and yeah i knew that just by writing out the lyrics to the bridge people would say it's too long or boring, but the bridge is all overlapping vocals i just wrote out the entire thing to get the lyrics tweaked cause i guess i'm lazy lol
#5
Why are you breaking the lines like that? It doesn't create a rhythm, or at least not one I can find.

Don't constrict your writing to rhythm and rhyming--there are other aspects to writing that you could develop and demonstrate. Let your ideas speak for themselves. Don't tell them what to do.
Last edited by AngryGoldfish at Oct 15, 2009,
#6
angry goldfish, i write the lines like that so that you can see the rhythm. each line is a measure, and just because you finish the lyrics from one of the lines doesn't mean the next line starts right away. you still finish out the measure and thats how you create rhythm.

and i kinda feel like you're contradicting yourself by saying "why are breaking the lines like that? it doesn't create a rhythm" and then saying "don't constrict your writing to rhythm and rhyming" but maybe i'm just misunderstanding you. and the song doesn't rhyme at all anyway so i don't really see the relevance...

thanks anyways though for your post
#7
Yes, you are misunderstanding me.

When I say, "don't contrict yourself," I'm referring to how you wrote the piece, not how I perceive it.
When I read a piece, whether I dig it or not, I can still try and picture what was going through the writers mind, and in this case, I thought you were trapping yourself in with the measures and "clicks."

I didn't vibe a particularly rhythmical flow or fluid sense of pace, unfortunately. And I don't mean to be a party-pooper, some things penetrate and some things don't.

#8
lol this just sounds like you stole a bunch of lines from other songs.

"A notch on your bedpost"<-- Fall out boys, sugar we're going down swinging.
"You were killing me softly"<--- idk but it was a song in the 90's
"How could i have been so blind"<---Fast ball, was I out of my head

you probably didn't do this on purpose but I just thought it was funny. maybe your not reaching deep enough into your own emotions.
#9
And "the way you look tonight" is also definitely a song, although some songs do have references to other songs in them I'm fairly sure so there's nothing wrong with it.

and the song doesn't rhyme at all anyway


Well that's a lie.

A notch on your bedpost
is how you remember me
oh how i know
we had fun
The look in your eyes is
Driving me crazy
how can you sit there
and smile
Pathetic and broken
is what you're becoming
trust me dear
you had this coming
You were killing me softly
ever so softly
i though i'd
return the favor


Although there isn't much rhyme here it's still definitely enough to help it flow better. I think it reads quite nicely

I particularly like the chorus, I'm not particularly sure why but there's something about it that I just like about it haha.

Also you've got a good sense of rhythm for the whole song (I read it as a line per measure as you said, but maybe 2 lines per measure would sound better? Just depends on your tempo I suppose).

As has been said before, the Bridge seems quite lacking but I'm sure it'll sound better with the overlapping lyrics idea you said you were using.

That's pretty much it, I like it and there's not really much wrong with it in my opinion.


If you had the time could you tell me what you think of my poem "Love in III Parts"? It's in my signature.