#1
This is my first song that i have wrote, messed around with some before but never could really finish them. Please critique for me, probably needs quite a bit of help... Thanks


(Verse)

I never lied
I told you everything
And that's the reason
Your not my everything
Girls always say, that's what they want
But your with a new guy
Who seems perfect
But he's not

(Chorus)

He doesn't tell you truths
He doesn't tell you lies
He keeps his mouth shut
About the truths he hides
I told you my stories
Not real easy to do
But if you asked me to stop
I always listened to you

(Verse 2)

I had nothing to hide
I told you everything
The good and bad
The successful and shameful
Confessed when I wronged
And never looked back
Thought you would understand
The mistakes of my past

(Bridge)

I conveyed my emotions
The silence rang true
The looks in our eyes
Held nothing to prove
Cause every truth was out there
Placed right in front of you
That's what you want, isn't it?
Guess not, now my hearts black and blue

(Chorus + ending)

He doesn't tell you truths
He doesn't tell you lies
He keeps his mouth shut
About the truths he hides
I told you my stories
Not real easy to do
But if you asked me to stop
I always listened to you
But I never lied
No, not one time
I have nothing to hide
Now you have to decide
#2
"Your" in this context is spelt you're.

This was a solid read. Nothing stood out to be amazing, but neither did it reak of anything detestable. Keep it up, mate.
#3
I agree with AngryGold, nothing spectacular nothing bad. Only thing I could critique is that it seems drawn out in places, could sound a bit better if it were condensed.
For example,
I told you my stories
Not real easy to do

could be something like...
"Spoke to you
my hard to hear stories,"

I don't know if that is better, or worse, than what you had. Overall I'd give you a 7.5 - Which is good!
#4
alright, i wrote it in about 20 minutes cause i just got on a roll. thanks for the feedback, ill check out some of the drawn out sections and see if i can add/replace to make it stand out.

now i got to put it to music... anyone got advice on that?
#5
it's pretty good in my opinion. conveys the emotions and everything. my only critique is to have some creative rhyming instead of *line, rhyme, line, rhyme*, maybe mix it up a little bit. no idea if you get what i'm trying to say, but yeah.
#6
yeah I understand what you mean, i tried to do semi-rhymes such as lie and hides in order to change it up.

I'm definitely going to rework this as best i can, see if i can add some imagery and such.
#7
Yeah imagery is a must, especially if it's going to be a song. The only imagery that's really given her is two people having a conversation. See if you can find a metaphor for the situation and then keep referring back to the metaphor to add the interest. Just an idea of course.

I think you should finish the actual lyrics before you start focusing on the music, but I'm thinking maybe have the chorus melody twice as fast as the verse melody and then maybe repeat the chorus? Have the verses soft and sweet and the chorus getting angrier but still.. soft. Have some pretty acoustic guitar twiddling about in the background and then maybe a little bit of piano. Violin with some high pedal notes and a Cello playing the bass notes with a bit of vibrato. And vocals-wise sing it softly and have a few ambitious leaps in the melody so it's not also step by step. Just a suggestion haha you don't have to listen to me.
#8
well, i don't have all those instruments so its going to just be on guitar...

Also, i am having a very tough time thinking of imagery... I'm not much of an english student so i really struggle when it comes to writing
#9
Haha yeah I got a bit carried away, just how I pictured the song.

Although if you have Logic, ProTools, Cubase or any other DAW you could sequence the instruments in?

Yeah I'm struggling to think of a metaphor for the situation :/
#11
The three I mentioned do unless you can get them through.. other means. You might be able to find some programs that don't though, I'm not sure. My school's giving me a free copy of Logic when I get my Mac
#12
oh awesome

so do you have any tips one how to create metaphors, similes, and imagery? or anything that i can practice to improve my ability to create these?