#1
Try to remember
did we see the loss impending
these lips formed no words
atonement died in this throat

In turbulent frustration
these thoughts elude
led chasing the ephemeral
in your cold empty embrace

you wont remember
i cant forget (both lines x2)

chorus 1:
mindset losing footing
the notes end
spirit dissenrooting
gone astray

desperately faining
rationality
existence in ignorance
painting the hypocrites emotions

chorus 2:
more than ordinary
an outcome
more than mundane
necessity
chorus 3:
I cannot find meaning
feeling nothing
If i cant find meaning
sate the jaws
#2
Quote by Gmurcielago14
Try to remember
did we see the loss impending
these lips formed no words
atonement died in this throat

I don't really like how the first two lines open up this piece, I feel that the tense could be written more clearly, I understand the general idea of "Did we ever see this coming ect." I think this stanza loses something by all those melodramatic lines. I enjoy the ideas behind it though.


In turbulent frustration
these thoughts elude
led chasing the ephemeral
in your cold empty embrace

I'm not enjoying the use of vocabulary here quite frankly, I don't believe it fits the mood or overall atmosphere of this piece. Words such as "turbulent" and "ephemeral" seem far too out of place. I think it was too melodramatic and takes away from the stark reality of hopelessness. That I can see is what you are trying to expose.

you wont remember
i cant forget (both lines x2)

chorus 1:
mindset losing footing
the notes end
spirit dissenrooting
gone astray

My only quip with this stanza is "dissenrooting" which I'm pretty sure is not a word and if it is wow, what a mouthful that is. Doesn't work well among the rhythm you've got.

desperately faining
rationality
existence in ignorance
painting the hypocrites emotions

I like this stanza, I would like it more without "faining" otherwise the flow works quite well. I can see what you're doing here.


chorus 2:
more than ordinary
an outcome
more than mundane
necessity
chorus 3:
I cannot find meaning
feeling nothing
If i cant find meaning
sate the jaws

I actually like this chorus a hell of alot, This is well written and manages to fit within the idea you have going. "Sate the jaws" is an interesting line, Very evocative I feel this is a start of something, you should go back and try to use more lines like this that fit within your overall idea.


Overall I enjoyed most of it, I just felt overwhelmed by some vocabulary in terms of flowing and building of the story. I believe these would be great lyrics if you went over it again.

if you could crit my recent piece "Kinglake" that would be most welcome!
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1215989
#4
Agreed don't try to use words you aren't comfortable with, it tends to show in your writing especially when you use a word that I'm not even sure is a real word