#1
Edited.

c4c.

Muffled car made it’s way
politely through the throng.
Just managing to squeeze into
the last crack, “sorry.”
Chips lying under the seat
forgotten under the seat.

Car winded up Kinglake mountains
unraveled itself like a piece of string,
untethered in the breeze.
Along the way we passed
a clearing that struck
ripe abandon from within.
We drove on exchanging glances
our shadows trailing,
hopelessly behind.

Winter followed us relentlessly
a plague on our walls.
The sun had already fled
its partner too unforgiving.
The birds ravaged food, left behind by -
"Sharon loves so and so."
The crumbs glistened in its
splendor, ferocious in defending
its territory.
"Keep off the grass."

A tap drips in the Mens toilets
that cannot be quenched,
an unending choir of determination
that penetrates all through the night.

We set for home, our sail
blushing at it’s posture, at it’s poise.
Quiet relief as my rough hair
gently coasts the pillow.
The freshly clean sheets and
aroma of laundry powder,
lighter than all of the clouds in the sky.

I awoke in a bed of leaves
that managed to follow me home.
Kinglake had burnt that night.
I would have liked to visit it again, so
I could have walked through its graceful
halls and canopies
one last time.


- Matthew Roche, 2009
Last edited by Hendrix_fan_14 at Oct 17, 2009,
#3
Quote by Hendrix_fan_14
c4c.

Muffled car made it’s way
politely through the throng.
Just managing to squeeze into
the last crack, sorry.
Forgotten chips lying under the seat
chips lying under the seat.

In the last line, the repetition of the word "chips" is somewhat unnecessary, it somewhat gives a tacky aftertaste to the thing. The line is good, but it should be left at "lying under the seat" I think.

Car winded itself up Kinglake
mountains, unraveled like
here i think "kinglake mountains" and "unraveled like a piece of string" should have their own lines.
a piece of string. Untethered
in the breeze.
Along the way we passed
a clearing that struck
ripe eruption from within
we drove on exchanging glances
"The rain being our guide should" should be put together here cutting it off mid-sentence makes it sound a bit awkward.
The rain being
our guide.

I like this stanza the most out of this whole thing, the imagery is great. I would just say that some of this could be formatted slightly differently to help with the flow.

Winter followed us relentlessly
a plague on our walls.
The sun had already fled
its partner unforgiving.
The birds attacked food, left behind by -
"Sharon loves so and so."
The crumbs glistened in its
splendor, ferocious in claiming
its territory.
"Keep off the grass."
The tap that drips in the Mens toilets
cannot be silenced.

The tap that drips in the Mens toilets, has a lot of potential, but it feels very out of place here, the phrase "cannot be silenced" suggest something, but i cannot totally understand what.

I awoke in a bed of leaves
that managed to follow me home.
Kinglake had burnt that night.
I wonder why all of it couldn't have
followed me home.
I wonder why it isn't waiting for me
I'd like to think it's still waiting for me.
I would have liked to visit it again, so
I could have walked through its lush
halls and canopies
one last time.

I truly love this stanza, for the most part. My only recommendation would be to take out or replace the word lush, i don't feel that it correctly fits in with the rest of the stanza, as it tends to come off as very happy and colorful and for some reason reminds me of fruit... This paragraph somewhat has the feel of a somewhat sad reverie to it and the last few lines somewhat break it.

- Matthew Roche, 2009

Thank you for your critique, and i hope i helped!


[EDIT]
AAH! How could i have forgotten!

there we go...
Last edited by Gmurcielago14 at Oct 15, 2009,
#4
Thanks for your critique I agree with the formatting comments and the use of repetition. I wasn't sure with some parts and I think that formatting will come with practise and time.

In a sense with that tap line I was trying to say that the hunger of the birds cannot be quenched or sated. Of course it was very cryptic and maybe unnecessary.

With the "lush" I was trying to say that the forest wasn't at it's peak yet and it went too fast. It should still be enjoyed ect.

Thanks for the comments, they were most helpful and beneficial!
#5
I love the Imagery you use in this peice it set's a very somber tone, almost sad but I cant place my finger on exactly why or what. I'm assuming a relationship with this sharon is why the peice feels that way. I didn't see anything I'd change that any of the other crits didn't already point out. Good work
Last edited by Captain Capo at Oct 17, 2009,
#6
As Captain said, there isn't really anything I would suggest to change. I'm not sure if it is just me though, but the flow just seems off. I guess it's that I can't really point a finger on a meaning for this (for myself that is).

Regardless, there are some lines here that I really like. Particularly:

"Winter followed us relentlessly
a plague on our walls.
The sun had already fled
its partner too unforgiving."

"A tap drips in the Mens toilets
that cannot be quenched,"

"I awoke in a bed of leaves
that managed to follow me home.
Kinglake had burnt that night.
I would have liked to visit it again, so
I could have walked through its graceful
halls and canopies
one last time."
Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.

C4C - Songwriting and Lyrics

- Hung Up on You -
- Apathy Unending -
#7
This was great.

But I think you could of made the whole, falling back on your own pillow after a long arduous adventure, feeling a little more pronounced. But that's all I can say. The rest was a real joy to read.
#8
Quote by Hendrix_fan_14
Edited.

c4c.

Muffled car made it’s way
politely through the throng.
Just managing to squeeze into
the last crack, “sorry.”
Chips lying under the seat
forgotten under the seat.

i'm not a huge stickler for repetition but i don't understand why you repeat the word 'seat'. it doesn't serve as an important emphasis and i'm sure there's plenty of other things you could say to preserve the flow.

Car winded up Kinglake mountains
unraveled itself like a piece of string,
untethered in the breeze.
Along the way we passed
a clearing that struck
ripe abandon from within.
We drove on exchanging glances
our shadows trailing,
hopelessly behind.

winded is a very awkward verb. something like snaked would give the same impression and add a bit of absurdist imagery. just my opinion though. there needs to be a comma after 'way'. actually, this entire paragraph could use a lot of punctuation so it reads correctly, i'm stumbling over phrases and double taking so i understand how they fit.

Winter followed us relentlessly
a plague on our walls.
The sun had already fled
its partner too unforgiving.
The birds ravaged food, left behind by -
"Sharon loves so and so."
The crumbs glistened in its
splendor, ferocious in defending
its territory.
"Keep off the grass."

plague is a really violent word, i just don't know if it sits right here. i like the sun fleeing/ unforgiving partner play though. it's subtle and effective.


A tap drips in the Mens toilets
that cannot be quenched,
an unending choir of determination
that penetrates all through the night.

this is a nice mood setter.


We set for home, our sail
blushing at it’s posture, at it’s poise.
Quiet relief as my rough hair
gently coasts the pillow.
The freshly clean sheets and
aroma of laundry powder,
lighter than all of the clouds in the sky.

this is sweet. it's comfortable. it feels like home.

I awoke in a bed of leaves
that managed to follow me home.
Kinglake had burnt that night.
I would have liked to visit it again, so
I could have walked through its graceful
halls and canopies
one last time.

a nice bit of nostalgia that ties it up in a cute little bow.



- Matthew Roche, 2009



okay, so you're very above average as far as writers here go. you write intelligently and hold my interest for the most part, only points of contention are your uneven flow and your lack of cohesiveness. as far as flow goes, sometimes, when you set it right, this reads really smoothly, but a lot of your rhythm gets tied up, punctuation would probably help a bit, like i said earlier. cohesiveness is another thing entirely, now i appreciate abstract as much if not more than the next guy, but this definitely was supposed to have a narrative, and i feel like too much of it is lost in the static of your pictures. i don't know, i can't really describe it i'm afraid. overall this was a pretty well-written piece though, and i did enjoy it.
#9
Quote by NGD1313
okay, so you're very above average as far as writers here go. you write intelligently and hold my interest for the most part, only points of contention are your uneven flow and your lack of cohesiveness. as far as flow goes, sometimes, when you set it right, this reads really smoothly, but a lot of your rhythm gets tied up, punctuation would probably help a bit, like i said earlier. cohesiveness is another thing entirely, now i appreciate abstract as much if not more than the next guy, but this definitely was supposed to have a narrative, and i feel like too much of it is lost in the static of your pictures. i don't know, i can't really describe it i'm afraid. overall this was a pretty well-written piece though, and i did enjoy it.


That plague bit was used to add tension to that stanza which has a lot of vivid imagery. I think I over did it though, making it hard to follow as it jumps around alot which sometimes becomes very disorientating.

I am still getting the hang of this, I understand that I need to be more cohesive in the narrative and to use punctuation better.

Thanks for the crit!