#1
I have been given permission by the forum gods to repost my song. So please crit harshly

C4C

Earthen crowns unto which you bow
Wonder why it never worked out?

Will you always cover your eyes?
Some things we must learn to despise

Will you always hide from the truth
hindering the growth of you

Will you always hold the grudge
never caring enough to love

Mammon and morcil that you devour
never taking count of the time or hour

Have you ever looked to the sky?
wonder who created the sun?

Have you ever felt the surprise?
not knowing that which you have done

Have you ever turned you back
on someone that you love?

Thought you were free but a prisoner now?
funny how he always pulls the rug out?

Can you find the strength to change,
even through the embaressment and shame.

Can you be the one who stands all alone
braving the storm and the stone.

Can you see the true adversary?
smiling,laughing, mockingly

One of these days will be too late
no choice but to accept your fate

earthen crowns unto which you bow

earthen crowns unto which you bow

earthen crowns unto which you bow
Last edited by Captain Capo at Oct 18, 2009,
#2
Have you ever felt the surprise?
not knowing that which you have done
Instead of 'which,' try 'what.'
Thought you were free but a prisoner now?
funny how he always pulls the rug out?
It might just be me but I don't know what the rug is suppose to mean?
Can you find the strength to change,
even through the embaressment and shame?
'Embaressment has too many syllables.

Not too bad. I thing this is an interesting poem and could become an interesting song; other than that it doesn't seem to have any differential to any of the verses, and there really isn't any chorus. So you would have to make each verse sound slightly different to keep the listeners attention for more than a minute. Good Luck Keep on Writing.
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#3
Thanks for the crit the rug is symbollic of a poor foundation that some of us tend to build our lives upon. I'll try to come up with a dfferent word instead of embaressment, but the way I wrote the music the chorus works fine even though its the same length
#4
Quote by Captain Capo
I have been given permission by the forum gods to repost my song. So please crit harshly

C4C

Earthen crowns unto which you bow
Wonder why it never worked out?

Will you always cover your eyes?
Some things we must learn to despise

Great line!

Will you always hide from the truth
pick the scab that can never heal

When I read this out, it just doesn't seem to flow with the rest. Additionally, I don't really like the 'pick the scab that can never heal' line.

Will you always hold the grudge
never caring enough to love

I like this one!.

Mammon and morcil that you devour
never taking count of the time or hour

Have you ever looked to the sky?
wonder who created the sun?

Have you ever felt the surprise?
not knowing that which you have done

Have you ever touched the face
of someone who returned your love?

Thought you were free but a prisoner now?
funny how he always pulls the rug out?

Can you find the strength to change,
even through the embaressment and shame?

Can you be the one who stands all alone
braving the storm and the stone?

Can you see the true adversary?
smiling,laughing, mockingly

One of these days will be too late
no choice but to accept your fate


Great sequence of lines here. My favorite probably being the 'pulls the rug' but I'm liking this part a lot, but would it be a statement more than a question?

earthen crowns unto which you bow

earthen crowns unto which you bow

earthen crowns unto which you bow


For the most part, I liked it. I'm not really liking the 'scab' line and unfortunately, I can't really suggest a fix for it. But you had some really good phrases in there that I really liked.

I did however, feel that "Have you ever touched the face of someone who returned your love?" was a bit out of place when reading through.
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#5
Ahh thanks ya that line does seem out of place doesn't it? Cool I'll get on that for some reason I didn't catch that thanks for the crit
#6
Ok I changed that line to "Have you ever turned your back, on someone that you loved"
which seems to fit that part better it also sings better thanks for pointing that out