#1
Wrote this earlier today. Been a long while since I tried writing, so it took a bit to get everything down and edit it around. Did it the old fashion way - threw down a bunch of thoughts and ideas down, and organized after Opinions? Some things I still want to edit as I feel it isn't finished yet and requires more editing. The words in [] and grey text are filler words and not to be read with it.

Stood up by you
Hung up on you
Cutting this leash
Is what I can not do

Eyes so glassy
Senses [so] weary
Uncertainty leaves it [all]
[Just
] so dark and eerie

Heart and mind
So completely entwined
Can't see the obvious
As if I were blind

Stood up by you,
Hung up on you,
Why can't you be
the person I once knew,

The feeling of my lungs
grasping for air
Is it because
This road leads to nowhere?

Why is it I fear
The deafening silence of my heart
When really all I dread
Is us being apart

Stood up by you,
Hung up on you,
Why must I resist,
everything about you,

The cold warmth of your stare
Still all that I want to see
Your eyes' piercing glare;
tell me, why can't this be?

The numbness of knowing
you are not here
The sound of your voice
freezes all these tears

The sight of you,
That silhouette I recall,
Changes it all...
Just changes it all...

Hung up on you,
Everything about you,
The numbness of knowing
I can never be with you
Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.

C4C - Songwriting and Lyrics

- Hung Up on You -
- Apathy Unending -
Last edited by FueLsTp at Oct 19, 2009,
#2
I like it definately a good read. I like the repetition in the verses definately.
#3
I like it, it's a very interesting read and you've written about a good spread of ideas. However, when I read it out loud there are a few words I think could be replaced to help it flow easier.

The first one I notice is "intertwined", I think replacing it with "entwined" (which means the exact same) would help it flow better. Also "Everything" in the refrains seems to me like it's squeezing extra syllables where they shouldn't be but unfortunately I can't think of a replacement word for it. There are a few more examples as well and I don't like being picky but it makes it seem more unnatural when you read it.

Eyes so glassy
Senses so weary
Uncertainty leaves it all
[Just]
so dark and eerie


^^ Also, taking out a few filler words every now and then will help it to flow better.

With the next poem you write read it out loud quite a few times and try to identify parts where you could make the rhythm fit better. Either take out filler words that you don't need or use a thesaurus to replace ones you do need with ones that have fewer syllables but still hold the same meaning.


I don't like how I've seemed so negative because overall this is actually a well-written poem, and I understand if you only wrote it the same day why it might have a few errors. So just take a bit more time with your work - if you don't like to concentrate on it in big blocks of time then take a time out and return to it a few hours, days or even weeks later.

I hope this helped.
#4
'Intertwined' to 'Entwined' - Not sure why I didn't notice that before! The everything comment, I understand what you are saying but there really is nothing that comes to mind that pulls the same message.

The filler words is a good suggestion. The words with brackets were the words I considered fillers and had them in just for the sake of... having them in there.

I don't mind the negativity as long as there is reason for it. It's all a matter of opinion anyways. Everyone reads and sees things in different ways. If everyone here were to just throw out positive comments, no one would improve much. And yeah, my first draft looked very... simple. After I got those ideas down, I changed up most of the stanzas other then the chorus. My draft paper looks like a bunch of random words, phrases and arrows everywhere
Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.

C4C - Songwriting and Lyrics

- Hung Up on You -
- Apathy Unending -
#5
Stood up by you
Hung up on you
Cutting this leash
Is what I can not do
I like this opening, the leash part gives a good imagery leading into the themes in the rest of the poem

Eyes so glassy
Senses so weary
Uncertainty leaves it all
[Just] so dark and eerie
The last two lines don't really fit the rhythm. Maybe change "uncertainty" to "doubt" to use less syllables?

Heart and mind
So completely intertwined
Can't see the obvious
As if I were blind

Stood up by you, Hung up on you,
Why can't you be, the person I once knew,
Hung up on you, Everything about you,
Why won't I stop, thinking of you
I'm not fond of the rhymes here, it seems a bit repetitive

The feeling of my lungs
grasping for air
Is it because
This road leads to nowhere?
Nice imagery

Why is it I fear
The deafening silence of my heart
When really all I dread
Is us being apart
I really like this line

Stood up by you, Hung up on you,
Why must I resist, everything about you,
Hung up on you, Everything about you,
Why won't I stop, thinking of you

The cold warmth of your stare
Still all that I want to see
Your eyes' piercing glare
tell me, why can't this be?
I find the last two lines don't really connect, the third line doesn't lead into the last line

The numbness of knowing
you are not here
The sound of your voice
freezes all these tears

The sight of you,
That silhouette I recall,
Changes it all...
Just changes it all...
These two are fine

Stood up by you, Hung up on you,
Why can't I, just be with you
Hung up on you, Everything about you,
The numbness of knowing, I can never be with you
I like how this ties back into that previous stanza

It was a rather good poem, just little things here and there. T'was a pleasure to read
#6
"Why is it I fear
The deafening silence of my heart<--this really feels cliche
When really all I dread
Is us being apart"

other than that awesome work
#7
Quote by SweetPoison
...
It was a rather good poem, just little things here and there. T'was a pleasure to read

For the second stanza, I should remove the [Just] as that is just a filler I wrote in there. I think when you leave that word it, it flows much better. With the [Just] in place, you are right, the rhythm is off.

The chorus is repetitive. I agree. But that was my aim for it. Although I made it so that for each chorus I change the second line and in the last chorus, change the second and fourth line. It was something I was aiming for. Also, I can't really think of any way to change it. Since that was my plan for it - any opinions on it?

As for 'Your eyes' piercing glare; tell me, why can't this be?' I see how they might not connect. The way I wrote it was [or better yet. my meaning behind it] - regardless of the cold stare, it is still all I want to see, and regardless of it all, why can't this be (it is me asking the question, not the stare 'saying' it). Well, that said, I should have put a semi-colon after 'glare'!

Quote by Captain Capo
Why is it I fear
The deafening silence of my heart<--this really feels cliche


other than that awesome work

I can see why you say that [although I don't necessarily agree], but it seemed very fitting to me. I think if it were alone, then I would agree with you but I think it adds quite a bit more emphasis to the latter two lines.


Thanks for the opinions
Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.

C4C - Songwriting and Lyrics

- Hung Up on You -
- Apathy Unending -
Last edited by FueLsTp at Oct 17, 2009,
#8
Stood up by you
Hung up on you
Cutting this leash
Is what I can not do
The leash is a good idea. It creates a great lead onto the stanzas to follow.
Eyes so glassy
Senses [so] weary
Uncertainty leaves it [all]
[Just] so dark and eerie
I like the imagery used here.
Heart and mind
So completely entwined
Can't see the obvious
As if I were blind
Another good stanza
Stood up by you, Hung up on you,
Why can't you be, the person I once knew,
Hung up on you, Everything about you,
Why won't I stop, thinking of you
The third line didn't seem to fit. You can just take, "Hung up on you," out, it seems repetative to say the same thing twice in the same stanza.
The feeling of my lungs
grasping for air
Is it because
This road leads to nowhere?
Sounds good
Why is it I fear
The deafening silence of my heart
When really all I dread
Is us being apart
I like how this refers to the same idea mentioned in the first stanza about not being able to cut the leash
The cold warmth of your stare
Still all that I want to see
Your eyes' piercing glare;
tell me, why can't this be?
Now this stanza is a mess compared to the others. The first line is all right, but the second line doesn't fit with the creepy awkward stare in the first line, or the soul piercing glare in the third. And the last line is the same way. So either change out one and three or two and four so they all flow well enough together.
The numbness of knowing
you are not here
The sound of your voice
freezes all these tears
Good
The sight of you,
That silhouette I recall,
Changes it all...
Just changes it all...
Nice ending, in my opinion doesn't need the chorus after it, or just have an instrumental chorus because this seems to wrape it up well enough.

Good Poem. Hope this helped Keep on Writing
Comments or Suggestions
Omit or Change
Suggested Changes


I am the 24 Wild Rovers
If You Wish to Give C4C Click on the Smlileys
:
#9
Quote by 24WildRovers

Stood up by you, Hung up on you,
Why can't you be, the person I once knew,
Hung up on you, Everything about you,
Why won't I stop, thinking of you
The third line didn't seem to fit. You can just take, "Hung up on you," out, it seems repetative to say the same thing twice in the same stanza.

I am trying to figure out what to do with this. The repetition is what I wanted to do with this from the start. But as you said, it might be a bit much. I also realized, the chorus is just much 'simpler' [in a sense] than the rest of this. Maybe that also throws it off. Actually, I might keep the choruses but cut down them down to two lines but leave the last one as four.

The cold warmth of your stare
Still all that I want to see
Your eyes' piercing glare;
tell me, why can't this be?
Now this stanza is a mess compared to the others...

I see what you are saying here. Sweet had a similar issue with this stanza. The way I wrote it was actually what you are questioning. [My] meaning of this was despite all of this, it's all I want to see even though I already have the answer [given away by her eyes]. And as for the last line in that stanza, I wrote it in a sense to tie into the whole premise and as a preface to the next stanza. As my explanation from before:

...The way I wrote it was [or better yet. my meaning behind it] - regardless of the cold stare, it is still all I want to see, and regardless of it all, why can't this be (it is me asking the question, not the stare 'saying' it).".

I will try to make more sense of this stanza, although I really liked it!

Good Poem. Hope this helped Keep on Writing


Thanks for the comments! For the two issues you had with this, I see exactly what you mean. I will try to edit it a bit if the right edit comes to mind.

As for the choruses, I think I will keep all three in there but shorten each one of them to help with the flow. Here is what I was thinking:

Stood up by you,
Hung up on you,
Why can't you be
the person I once knew

Stood up by you,
Hung up on you,
Why must I resist
everything about you

Hung up on you,
Everything about you,
The numbness of knowing
I will never be with you
Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.

C4C - Songwriting and Lyrics

- Hung Up on You -
- Apathy Unending -
#10
Stood up by you,
Hung up on you,
Why can't you be
the person I once knew

Stood up by you,
Hung up on you,
Why must I resist
everything about you

Hung up on you,
Everything about you,
The numbness of knowing
I will never be with you

I'll admit: I have never seen anyone reply to a critique like you did. The way you critique a critique was fantastic. It made it seem a lot easier to see what you picked up on and what you tried to change. Very well done.

Now these stanzas sound very good. They're shorter and simpler, in a good way. They have a nice flow to them and they are just better all around. Good Job Keep on Writing
Comments or Suggestions
Omit or Change
Suggested Changes


I am the 24 Wild Rovers
If You Wish to Give C4C Click on the Smlileys
:
#11
Well i wont break it down...coz its already been done.

I am more of a "poem" guy...so i tried to look at it from that angle. Flow was pretty good. but what lacked were what you call "punches" or 'jewels" of a poem or lyrics.
Use metaphors, similies, or multies (thats multiple rhymes in a single line ...um like the way rappers do it).....there should be a punch line in every verse which comes out to you. which stands out. Since most of the flaws have already been pointed out (and corrected of course) like -no link in these lines 'Your eyes' piercing glare;
tell me, why can't this be?"
I would jst like to add one more thing that if you are usin a rhyme-scheme or pattern ,then stick to it throughout the verse . For e.g. it kinda breaks the flow here>>>>

The cold warmth of your stare
Still all that I want to see
Your eyes' piercing glare;
tell me, why can't this be?

The numbness of knowing
you are not here
The sound of your voice
freezes all these tears

The sight of you,
That silhouette I recall,
Changes it all...
Just changes it all...

first stanza has A-B-A-B pattern,then 2nd has A-B-C-B..and 3rd is completly off the track A-C-C-C .......you can follow it only if u have music ( solos) filling up the gaps in between the stanzas ( uknowwatmsayin)

But i really liked the imagery and flow in these two stanzas ---
"Eyes so glassy
Senses [so] weary
Uncertainty leaves it [all]
[Just] so dark and eerie

The feeling of my lungs
grasping for air
Is it because
This road leads to nowhere? "

Overall, props for the efforts
#12
I'll admit: I have never seen anyone reply to a critique like you did. The way you critique a critique was fantastic. It made it seem a lot easier to see what you picked up on and what you tried to change. Very well done.

Now these stanzas sound very good. They're shorter and simpler, in a good way. They have a nice flow to them and they are just better all around. Good Job Keep on Writing
I figure if you take the time to critique something, the least I can do is explain my end too! I agree that when reading, the flow is much better with it shorter. On the other hand, when put with a guitar, the longer might go better [maybe just for the last one]. Thanks!
Quote by utkarsh_sn
Well i wont break it down...coz its already been done.

Since most of the flaws have already been pointed out (and corrected of course) like -no link in these lines 'Your eyes' piercing glare;
tell me, why can't this be?"

For this I am trying to think how to make it more understandable to the reader although it is a bit tough since to me, the link is how I intended.

first stanza has A-B-A-B pattern,then 2nd has A-B-C-B..and 3rd is completly off the track A-C-C-C .......you can follow it only if u have music ( solos) filling up the gaps in between the stanzas ( uknowwatmsayin)

Thanks for pointing that out. Actually I wanted ABCB for the first and second stanzas, and the third to be different (with the repeating ending). But now I just realized my first stanza was ABAB. Right now I am not sure if I will change it since I am pretty stuck on most of these stanzas already in terms of the message. Although, I will see if I can change the first two stanzas to a similar rhyme scheme.

Overall, props for the efforts

Thanks for the crits and opinions! I guess my biggest problem is making a change when to me the stanza makes perfect sense [again, to me]. I think the issue is, the way it is written, it could be read as either her [eyes] asking the question or myself [and it's the latter]. I could have wrote 'tell me, this can not be [as in her eyes telling me that], but I thought myself posing the question worked better. How does this sound:

The cold-warmth of you stare
Still all I want to see,
This thought that will not fade,
"Tell me, why can't this be?"
Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.

C4C - Songwriting and Lyrics

- Hung Up on You -
- Apathy Unending -
#13
Quite a while since I looked back at this but any opinions on this stanza?


(a)

The cold warmth of your stare
Still all that I want to see
Your eyes' piercing glare;
tell me, why can't this be?

(b)

The cold warmth of your stare
Still all that I want to see
Your eyes' piercing glare
tell me this just can't be...

(c)

The cold-warmth of you stare
Still all I want to see,
This thought that will not fade,
"Tell me, why can't this be?"
Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.

C4C - Songwriting and Lyrics

- Hung Up on You -
- Apathy Unending -
#14
Thank you for the crit. I appreciate it. In regards to the stanza in your n ew post, option (a) sounds best. However in the last line I would swap out "this" for "we" The only problem I hbave with this piece is that the structure gets tiring. You seem toi say the samething in very stanza, you just dress it up differently. Also the rhythm seems to nver change. I mean I like a consistent rhythm but since most of the lines are so short it just gets tiring. You have some great ideas and you are a good writer, I just think the structure you used was too limiting.