#1
this one matters. c4c. ots. etc.

warbonds
man of convictions
cracks a case of pabst blue ribbon
rolls his armchair looking to put his feet where
the veiled spine of the collective life hangs her hat,
because he's had enough of that tired bitch
and her tired this and that.
hands blistered and bleeding,
arms folded and heartrate declining,
lets the sun and sisters go,
lets the blood and body flow,
lets his heavy breathing slow,
and now he's gone. now he's perfect,
and when he wakes in the morning,
he hangs his head, his pavement warming,
and walks out a door to a slow and trying death,
and in the closet, i clutch my sister to my chest,
and i tell her, "don't worry little girl,
i've got a pile of warbonds
underneath my bed, and when this one's over,
we'll collect on our debts.
we'll get the fuck out of here and never come back."
#2
damn.


hope youre hangin in there
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
Last edited by jiminizzle at Oct 17, 2009,
#3
Quote by NGD1313
this one matters. c4c. ots. etc.

warbonds
man of convictions
cracks a case of pabst blue ribbon
rolls his armchair looking to put his feet where
the veiled spine of the collective life hangs her hat,
because he's had enough of that tired bitch
and her tired this and that.
hands blistered and bleeding,
arms folded and heartrate declining,
lets the sun and sisters go,
lets the blood and body flow,
lets his heavy breathing slow,
and now he's gone. now he's perfect,
and when he wakes in the morning,
he hangs his head, his pavement warming,
and walks out a door to a slow and trying death,
and in the closet, i clutch my sister to my chest,
and i tell her, "don't worry little girl,
i've got a pile of warbonds
underneath my bed, and when this one's over,
we'll collect on our debts.
we'll get the fuck out of here and never come back."


This is great I really enjoyed this. I love how you captured the mood perfectly and achieved such great imagery. "he hangs his head, his pavement warming,
and walks out a door to a slow and trying death"
that line particularly. I could see that rough, that shaken life through this piece. All of the lines feel really necessary, none of it is there for the sake of it.

I enjoy your use of the rhythm here. The repetition here is great as well. the development of the story here is fantastic, still moved by it. This is it's strength.

Well done. (hope I've helped some what)

If you could critique my recent work "Kinglake" that would be most appreciated!

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1215989
#4
Last line damn near brought me to tears,

of course, I'm already about to cry, but still,
fucking brilliant
#7
Your way with the words here was intense. I loved it.

The only thing I can suggest, is to avoid using so many "and's" at the start of a line. It makes the visage seem cluttered and unfinished.

And congratulations.
#11
Fantastic. That last line was pure genius.
Quote by skaterskagg1
Gotta have more shaft!

Don't sig that!


Just because you said not too!