#1
Here is one of my first songs. Everyone please give me any feedback you may have.


Rose Above

My life was a sacrifice.
All they did was roll the dice.
And now when I look back,
I realize what I lack.
What it is and what it was
doesn't matter I rose above.

The things I do, this life i choose
makes me happy win or lose.
But I can't remember what I do,
that makes me `ever clear and true.

Oh now I cannot wait,
to see dear what is my fate.
I just cannot change my past
but those memories they will last.

You see the things I do, this life I choose
makes me happy win or lose.
I don't remember what I did,
the choices I made as a kid.
But I do know it was my sacrifice.

Trying to leave that life behind,
and I just wish that I could hide.
What it used to be was me,
but now that I am finally free
I see I'm not who I used to be.
To have this life of a winner,
I had to start out as a sinner.

But the things I do, this life I choose
makes me happy win or lose.
Finally remember what I've done
and now I think that I have won.
But what it is and what it was
doesn't matter I rose above.
#2
My life was a sacrifice.
All they did was roll the dice.
And now when I look back,
I realize what I lack.
What it is and what it was
doesn't matter I rose above.

I don't really like the first two lines, they don't flow as well as the other four. They're good and all, but the flow doesn't fit too well. The rhymes between "back/lack" don't sound too......original if you know what I mean.

The things I do, this life i choose
makes me happy win or lose.
But I can't remember what I do,
that makes me `ever clear and true.

Ehh.....I see what you're trying to get at here, but it just doesn't sound great. The first two are ok, but the last two just don't sound very good. The last line is a little cliched, with the "makes me clear and true" sort of thing. Try something else. The third line just doesn't fit well, it seems to contradict the first two lines, but not very well.

Oh now I cannot wait,
to see dear what is my fate.
I just cannot change my past
but those memories they will last.

I like the last two lines here. The second line "dear" just doesn't work very well. Maybe try something like "to see what becomes my fate".

You see the things I do, this life I choose
makes me happy win or lose.
I don't remember what I did,
the choices I made as a kid.
But I do know it was my sacrifice.

The fourth line kind of interrupts the feel of the song, in my opinion. Saying "the choices I made as a kid" removes part of the "mystery" sort of thing you have going, with the lack of direct references to what was done in the past of this story.

Trying to leave that life behind,
and I just wish that I could hide.
What it used to be was me,
but now that I am finally free
I see I'm not who I used to be.
To have this life of a winner,
I had to start out as a sinner.

I just don't like this verse. It all seems so cliched to me. "Leave life behind to hide." "What used to be me, now I'm free." just doesn't click. The rhyming between 3 lines in the middle of the lines also interrupts the flow a bit. The last two lines just don't work very well. They're too....average in a sense.


But the things I do, this life I choose
makes me happy win or lose.
Finally remember what I've done
and now I think that I have won.
But what it is and what it was
doesn't matter I rose above.


Ok, I admit I was being a little harsh, but I hope that helps you out. My main points here are watching the cliches being used and ensuring that certain lines fit in with the rest of the songs. Oh yes, and try experimenting with different rhyme patterns, like ABAB and look into different rhyming words, so you're not always using straight-up rhyme words.

Hope this helps somewhat.
#3
Oh don't worry about it at all it wasn't harsh. And thanks for the help I will go back today or tomorrow and make some changes to it and see if I can improve it.
Last edited by mdm1993 at Oct 16, 2009,