#1
I wrote this poem a few days ago when I had swine flu haha.
I really wasn't in the best of moods at the time of writing as you can probably guess.
Enjoy?


The steady thumping of my heart
A high-pitched ringing in my ears
The subtle buzzing of the TV
These are all I seem to hear

The aching agony that cuts my throat
The screaming in my head, unreal
The heat that irritates my skin
It's only pain I seem to feel

And I'm scared that this great fatigue
Will weigh me down until I rest
For when I close my eyes to sleep
I open up myself to death

And as soon as my eyelids close
My defences lower, my heart beat slows
And when my heart beat hesitates
It's too late, it's too late
Last edited by Smpl Dstrctns at Oct 16, 2009,
#2
Quote by Smpl Dstrctns
NOTE: Sorry about the "C4C?" in the title, I'm new here and I was excited and posted this before I read the rules haha. Sorry guys.


Fixed.
#3
Quote by Smpl Dstrctns


The aching agony that cuts my throat
The screaming in my head, unreal
The heat that irritates my skin
It's only pain I seem to feel




I don't know what it is, but your wording does a good job of bringing me in. You aren't pointing us to what is wrong either which leaves alot of it to the reader to interpret, which I prefer.

The section in red, I just like it. For some reason I read the last line as 'It's the only pain I seem to feel' which for some reason, although doesn't exactly make sense, seems fitting to me. Lumping everything into just a single 'source' of pain. Such a simple change but to me, it changes the effect quite a bit. I hope that makes sense to someone besides me
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#4
try to be more abstract with the adjectives, maybe mess around with the rhyme structure. I don't know if you plan on revising, but I personally think it needs a lot of work, maybe even a completely different approach altogether.
#5
It's pretty good, but is it about swine flu? because, unlike the media would have you believe, it's not usually deadly.
#6
try to be more abstract with the adjectives, maybe mess around with the rhyme structure.


Any examples for the adjective changes at all? Instead of just telling me to change the rhyme structure could you tell me why the current one isn't effective enough?

I don't know if you plan on revising, but I personally think it needs a lot of work, maybe even a completely different approach altogether.


Again, instead of saying I need to completely redo it, could you give me an example of a different approach to take on the subject matter? And don't say it needs "a lot of work" but only point out like two things wrong with it. Just saying, not very helpful really.


It's pretty good, but is it about swine flu? because, unlike the media would have you believe, it's not usually deadly.


Yeah, I wrote it as I lay on the sofa in my living room and the stanzas pretty much explain how I felt. I know it's not common to die from it, but nevertheless it still scared the sh*t out of me, I felt terrible. The poem just reflects what was going on in my head that's all


Thanks for the critique people, I might make some changes later.
#7
i thinks its a good just whatever poem. you didnt write it to make it something good or special, you just did it to explain how you wre feeling about the subject at the moment and probably you were supr bored lol. prsonally i dont think you need to work on it at all, theres really no point. but if you do wanna take another shot at it or jsut revise this one, then by all means have fun lol
There is a saying in poetry, "show me, don't tell me." here you are announcing everything, like an announcer to a sporting event. "Dave has the ball. Dave passes the ball. Dave picks his ass."

~Zanascross

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#8
Quote by Smpl Dstrctns
I wrote this poem a few days ago when I had swine flu haha.
I really wasn't in the best of moods at the time of writing as you can probably guess.
Enjoy?


The steady thumping of my heart
A high-pitched ringing in my ears
The subtle buzzing of the TV
These are all I seem to hear

The aching agony that cuts my throat
The screaming in my head, unreal
The heat that irritates my skin
It's only pain I seem to feel

And I'm scared that this great fatigue
Will weigh me down until I rest
For when I close my eyes to sleep
I open up myself to death

And as soon as my eyelids close
My defences lower, my heart beat slows
And when my heart beat hesitates
It's too late, it's too late

I don't really understand this line because the other lines seem to point that you're feeling pain in your ears and throat. I love the imagery. The ending is nice too, just something with that impeding doom type feel.
Lord Gold feeds from your orifices and he wants to see you sweat.
Lord Gold probes you publicly and makes your pussy wet.
Now say his name.....
#9
Quote by lordofthefood1
It's only pain I seem to feel


I don't really understand this line because the other lines seem to point that you're feeling pain in your ears and throat. I love the imagery. The ending is nice too, just something with that impeding doom type feel.


Are you sure it doesn't make sense?

It doesn't say "the only pain" - as in referring to just one pain.
It's "I can only feel pain and nothing else" - as in a collective pain.

Does it make sense? Or have I written it wrong? :/

Thanks for the critique
#10
Quote by Smpl Dstrctns
Are you sure it doesn't make sense?

It doesn't say "the only pain" - as in referring to just one pain.
It's "I can only feel pain and nothing else" - as in a collective pain.

Does it make sense? Or have I written it wrong? :/

Thanks for the critique

Ohh, I read wrong. Bleh. It makes more sense and makes the piece more complete. Sorry that I don't really have much to critique, I don't feel like just going, "yeah this rocks!" Nothing really seems wrong or out of place.
Lord Gold feeds from your orifices and he wants to see you sweat.
Lord Gold probes you publicly and makes your pussy wet.
Now say his name.....