#1
you're a model citizen;
your model wife, a denizen of
countless shelters and sanctuaries,
escaping the firm grip of your iron fist.
hands clasped in prayer around her throat.
but she'll do anything she can to keep this broken home afloat.

we don't have the luxury to stand aside and witness
the gilded age of our own household
and if we have the energy to make up these excuses
then we sure as hell have the strength to make it out alive

keep your ear to the ground
and you can hear the anguish boil in the firstborn.
the apple doesn't fall too far from
the tree of good and evil;
it's the kind of mirror that's had enough and swings back.
i'll show you fear in a handful of trust.

we don't have the luxury to stand aside and witness
the gilded age of our own household
and if we have the energy to make up these excuses
then we sure as hell have the strength to make it out alive
even if you won't
#DTWD
#2
I like it a lot, but the ideas seem all over the place in some parts. you should try expanding it, maybe adding more internal rhymes.
#3
yeah, i know what you mean. problem i was writing to a piece of music i'd already written. and i had so many ideas i couldn't flesh them all out and i don't really want to add a third verse. i'm just going to come back to it in a day or so i think and try to make it more linear.

thanks for the crit! i'll get ya back.
#DTWD
#4
I agree with thuc. It does seem all over the place. As you said, just let it rest a bit and then come back to it. Separate each line and piece them back together like a puzzle.

It should come easier to you then as well. Right when you are done writing, it's always tougher to move everything around or find things in need of editing.

However...

hands clasped in prayer around her throat.
but she'll do anything she can to keep this broken home afloat.


Don't touch those lines! Best lines in there I think!
Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.

C4C - Songwriting and Lyrics

- Hung Up on You -
- Apathy Unending -
#6
Quote by FueLsTp
I agree with thuc. It does seem all over the place. As you said, just let it rest a bit and then come back to it. Separate each line and piece them back together like a puzzle.

It should come easier to you then as well. Right when you are done writing, it's always tougher to move everything around or find things in need of editing.

However...

Don't touch those lines! Best lines in there I think!


thanks for the crit!

also, now that i've come back to this i don't really know what to change. the "i'll show you fear in a handful of trust" is the only one that seems kind of random to me, and it's going to be hard to let that line go. i thought i was so clever coming up with that pun.

anyways, the song makes sense to me, but maybe that's just because i wrote it.

the song is addressed to an upstanding man who is well-liked, but behind closed doors severely abuses his wife. his oldest son has finally had enough of it one day and plots to kill his father. i don't know if that makes more sense.

thanks again, guys.
#DTWD