#1
(verse 1)

you watch the window dot with rain, but dont dare wipe it clean
it helps you hide the pain, that you always feel
the fog outside is lifting, but not inside our heart
the sunshine is breaking through, but your left in the dark

(pre-chorus)

find the light switch turn it on and breakthrough all the black
lets get you out of here while your soul is still intact

(chorus)

like the calm before the storm your happy face deceives us all
showing no sings of pain
but the aftermath did prove that you were saddened all along

(verse 2)

your small white lies to protect yourself, are really hurting me
you say you have nowhere to go, but i could protect you
you once bright eyes have faded dull, no longer radiant
your loving heart has stopped beating, i dont know where you went

(pre-chorus)

find the light switch turn it on and breakthrough all the black
lets get you out of here while your soul is still intact

(chorus)

like the calm before the storm your happy face deceives us all
showing no sings of pain
but the aftermath did prove that you were saddened all along

(bridge)

no shepard leaves its cattle.
no mother leaves its child
no happy home is shattered
without one crying eye

was that shattered home yours?
i took a wild guess
i`ll help open these doors
into a better life!

(turn on the light now)x4
(save your soul)x4
(the floodgates are breaking)x4
as her face dots with rain!

(chorus)x3

like the calm before the storm your happy face deceives us all
showing no sings of pain
but the aftermath did prove that you were saddened all along

but now theres nothing i can do!
so wanting to help you!
wish i could see it through!
i wanted to help you
There is a saying in poetry, "show me, don't tell me." here you are announcing everything, like an announcer to a sporting event. "Dave has the ball. Dave passes the ball. Dave picks his ass."

~Zanascross

XD epic win
#2
needs a lot of work, I don't know how it's supposed to be sung but it reads a bit awkward. try using more effective words or ideas, or at least unify what you have somehow.
#3
dang, i didnt copy it ere right, at the end of each chorus its supposed to say "but now theres nothing i can do!"

and thanks for the feedback thucydides
There is a saying in poetry, "show me, don't tell me." here you are announcing everything, like an announcer to a sporting event. "Dave has the ball. Dave passes the ball. Dave picks his ass."

~Zanascross

XD epic win
#4
I have to say I absolutely love these lyrics. I love the whole "dark side of the weather" theme that's going on. I love the metaphors you use like "the fog outside is lifting, but not inside your heart" and "the sunshine is breaking through, but your left in the dark".

I also am I huge fan of the chorus lyric "like the calm before the storm your happy face deceives us all", the half-rhyme works brilliantly and the imagery used is really effective.

One thing that did bug me all the way though was the grammar in it, don't forget about capitalisation (start of a sentence and on names and "I") and the difference between "you're" (you are) and "your" (possessive). You spelled "signs" wrong but it might have just been a copy and pasted typo. Anyway, I cleared it up a bit for you:

(Verse 1)

You watch the window dot with rain, but don't dare wipe it clean
It helps you hide the pain, that you always feel
The fog outside is lifting, but not inside your heart
The sunshine is breaking through, but you're left in the dark

(Pre-Chorus)

Find the light switch, turn it on and break through all the black
Let's get you out of here while your soul is still intact

(Chorus)

Like the calm before the storm, your happy face deceives us all
Showing no signs of pain
But the aftermath did prove that you were saddened all along

(Verse 2)

Your small white lies to protect yourself, are really hurting me
You say you have nowhere to go, but I could protect you
Your once bright eyes have faded dull, no longer radiant
Your loving heart has stopped beating, I don't know where you went

(Pre-Chorus)

Find the light switch, turn it on and break through all the black
Let's get you out of here while your soul is still intact

(Chorus)

Like the calm before the storm, your happy face deceives us all
Showing no signs of pain
But the aftermath did prove that you were saddened all along

(bridge)

No shepard leaves its cattle
No mother leaves its child
No happy home is shattered
Without one crying eye

Was that shattered home yours?
I took a wild guess
I'll help open these doors
Into a better life!

(Turn on the light now)x4
(Save your soul)x4
(The floodgates are breaking)x4
As her face dots with rain!

(Chorus)

Like the calm before the storm, your happy face deceives us all
Showing no signs of pain
But the aftermath did prove that you were saddened all along

But now there's nothing I can do!
So wanting to help you!
Wish I could see it through!
I wanted to help you



Another few things I'd like to help you with.

I know that because it's a song it doesn't have to flow when you read it out loud because you can vary the melody to fit different amount of syllables into each line, so I'm not going to talk to you about the rhythm of the text.

However, try to keep the rhyme scheme as consistent as you can (Verse 1 is AABB but Verse 2 is ABCC). Sometimes it can be useful to not put a rhyme where it feels that there should be one because a good balance of predictability and surprise can help sustain interest in the song - however, I get the impression that this wasn't what you were trying to do and you got the infamous "Second Verse Curse" (or writer's block). Correct me if I'm wrong of course, but I'm just saying this because I think your first verse is a lot better than your second verse and it's somewhat a disappointment when the listener arrives at the second verse.

My advice? Take a break, try to write some alternatives, think about it, mix and match them etc. If you have serious writer's block then do what is called a "Stream of Consciousness" technique, this is basically where you write everything as it comes to you (try to keep it relevant though of course). You might right a lot of cr*p but eventually you might get to something golden.

Another good method is to say to yourself: "Right, Wednesday morning, before I go to school, I'm going to rewrite that second verse". It sounds amazing but your sub-conscious will then start thinking of ideas because it knows it's got a deadline while your conscious thoughts are uninterrupted. This means ideas will come a lot quicker when you sit down to write on Wednesday morning because they'll already have been brewing.

I know it sounds like I'm picking on this song but these methods could be used for any form of writing you do and I'm just trying to be helpful.

I don't want it to seem like I don't like this song because I really do and I just wanna make sure I tell you that again


If you have the time critique my poem? It's called Swine Flu, I wrote it a couple of days ago when I had (yep, you guessed it) Swine Flu.
#5
thanks alot Smpl Dstrctns, i will make sure to try thoses techniques, and ya, i get that 2nd verse curse alot lol. and ya, i suck/dont care about grammer to much, so like you said with you're and your, i jstu dont pay attention to it, and capitalization i dont pay much attention when im typing on a computer lol. but im glad you liked the song and even if you didnt im glad you gave me some advice. i will be sure to look at swine flu when i get the time =D
There is a saying in poetry, "show me, don't tell me." here you are announcing everything, like an announcer to a sporting event. "Dave has the ball. Dave passes the ball. Dave picks his ass."

~Zanascross

XD epic win